For FrozenAssets
Apr. 10th, 2022 11:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brooklyn_boy The strange thing was that Steve had never really been alone before. The closest he got was in DC with the small apartment and the ghosts of the past he kept close to him at all times. But even then, he had the Avengers. He had constant contact with Tony and the rest of the team. Missions to keep him occupied so that the moments with just his record player and books felt like a break more than stifling isolation. But now, after all that had happened?
Now he truly felt alone.
Europe had the unique ability to move forward in time while preserving the past in small isolated bubbles. Steve slipped into England at nightfall and trusted his new beard and darker hair to stop instant recognition from getting him arrested. He was a fugitive, after all. The only place he was truly safe now was Wakanda and he'd fled from that protection as soon as he could.
It wasn't ingratitude that had him running. It wasn't duty either although he used that as a convenient excuse. It was that ever since Bucky closed his eyes in the cryotube, Steve had felt an ache of loneliness open up inside of him and for the first time since waking up in the 21st century, he couldn't figure out how to handle it.
The feeling was unfair to Nat and Sam. Both of them were around more than they weren't and were there for him in a way that was complicated and profound. They both had turned their back on so much to stand at his side. But Nat had her own missions to disappear on and Sam had a family he couldn't reach that tore him up inside. And Steve? The only family he'd ever known here was once more locked away. Close enough to touch and yet still inaccessible. Failed yet again by Steve who tried so hard to protect his best friend and came up short.
Too slow to grab his hand. Too late to save his mind. Too weak to keep him safe. Forever destined, it seemed, to say goodbye and be left behind.
To be alone.
And so he ran. He ran back to one of those bubbles in time that England had. A bar made, destroyed, and then rebuilt on the same ground like a phoenix rising. The place where he and Bucky had drank a beer and started their journey into the war. Where Bucky had looked at a six-foot man brimming with muscles and had seen a little guy from Brooklyn where he'd always been. And where Steve had gone back to mourn that first time he'd lost Bucky two days before he died himself.
Steve wasn't sure why he needed to be there. He just did. At this time of day it was closed and dark which fit his mood well enough. Nat had taught him how to get into such places unseen and when he did, the past pushed against him like a too-tight hug. It was comforting and suffocating all at the same time and the choked out sob bubbled up before he could stop it. He wanted to go <i>back</i>. Back to the war when things were so much simpler. Back to the days when he knew who he was and what role he had to play. Back when he had Bucky and wasn't so <i>alone</i>, even in a crowd.
He walked to the counter and it was new and not when his hands fell on it. It looked the same as where he and Bucky sat. New wood made with old designs; the attempt to make things the way they'd always been and getting as close as you could while still falling short. His nails scratched against the wood as they curled into fists, body bowing over the spot like he were praying. Perhaps he was. For what though, he couldn't say.
Steve's head lifted up and red eyes looked at the bar, desperate for a drink. There was a row of items there from the time the bar was destroyed. Trinkets and antiques left behind after the bombings and the bloodshed. Steve walked behind and let his fingertips brush over them, remembering when they had been new. Mugs. Buttons. Medals. And there, at the end, something different. Something brighter than the rest. Something old and new at the same time that called him back in a way he couldn't explain.
Steve reached for it, unsure of what it was or why it seemed so important. But it did. And as his fingertips stroked over it, the burst of nostalgia that came over him was enough to bring him to his knees. Like he was touching the past. Bridging the gap.
If only such a thing could be done...
Now he truly felt alone.
Europe had the unique ability to move forward in time while preserving the past in small isolated bubbles. Steve slipped into England at nightfall and trusted his new beard and darker hair to stop instant recognition from getting him arrested. He was a fugitive, after all. The only place he was truly safe now was Wakanda and he'd fled from that protection as soon as he could.
It wasn't ingratitude that had him running. It wasn't duty either although he used that as a convenient excuse. It was that ever since Bucky closed his eyes in the cryotube, Steve had felt an ache of loneliness open up inside of him and for the first time since waking up in the 21st century, he couldn't figure out how to handle it.
The feeling was unfair to Nat and Sam. Both of them were around more than they weren't and were there for him in a way that was complicated and profound. They both had turned their back on so much to stand at his side. But Nat had her own missions to disappear on and Sam had a family he couldn't reach that tore him up inside. And Steve? The only family he'd ever known here was once more locked away. Close enough to touch and yet still inaccessible. Failed yet again by Steve who tried so hard to protect his best friend and came up short.
Too slow to grab his hand. Too late to save his mind. Too weak to keep him safe. Forever destined, it seemed, to say goodbye and be left behind.
To be alone.
And so he ran. He ran back to one of those bubbles in time that England had. A bar made, destroyed, and then rebuilt on the same ground like a phoenix rising. The place where he and Bucky had drank a beer and started their journey into the war. Where Bucky had looked at a six-foot man brimming with muscles and had seen a little guy from Brooklyn where he'd always been. And where Steve had gone back to mourn that first time he'd lost Bucky two days before he died himself.
Steve wasn't sure why he needed to be there. He just did. At this time of day it was closed and dark which fit his mood well enough. Nat had taught him how to get into such places unseen and when he did, the past pushed against him like a too-tight hug. It was comforting and suffocating all at the same time and the choked out sob bubbled up before he could stop it. He wanted to go <i>back</i>. Back to the war when things were so much simpler. Back to the days when he knew who he was and what role he had to play. Back when he had Bucky and wasn't so <i>alone</i>, even in a crowd.
He walked to the counter and it was new and not when his hands fell on it. It looked the same as where he and Bucky sat. New wood made with old designs; the attempt to make things the way they'd always been and getting as close as you could while still falling short. His nails scratched against the wood as they curled into fists, body bowing over the spot like he were praying. Perhaps he was. For what though, he couldn't say.
Steve's head lifted up and red eyes looked at the bar, desperate for a drink. There was a row of items there from the time the bar was destroyed. Trinkets and antiques left behind after the bombings and the bloodshed. Steve walked behind and let his fingertips brush over them, remembering when they had been new. Mugs. Buttons. Medals. And there, at the end, something different. Something brighter than the rest. Something old and new at the same time that called him back in a way he couldn't explain.
Steve reached for it, unsure of what it was or why it seemed so important. But it did. And as his fingertips stroked over it, the burst of nostalgia that came over him was enough to bring him to his knees. Like he was touching the past. Bridging the gap.
If only such a thing could be done...
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Date: 2022-05-16 02:06 am (UTC)His heart soars with the words Bucky says against his lips. Gently, Steve eases his way free of Bucky's body so he can lay beside him. Pull the man into his arms and just relish the afterglow. They're completely filthy and Bucky is probably sore, but that is things they can deal with another time. Sometime after, when the sun is up and Steve can watch dawn rise along the hills and shadows of Bucky's face.
He kisses the tip of Bucky's nose and then his lips. No rush. No desperation. Nothing but love pouring out of him and into the heart he'd given his best friend so long ago, never to reclaim. This close Steve can feel it beat. He closes his eyes to enjoy it as anyone would with a musical masterpiece.
"We have time, now," Steve says. He opens his eyes and finds Bucky's. With everything that's changed, those were the same eyes that looked back at him before they closed inside a cryotube. And maybe, just maybe, that meant they had time in the future, too.
He can't hope. Hope is the way to a broken heart. But he can wait. Lord knows he's good enough at that. He can wait and see what the future has in store for them both. And right now he can just enjoy what it has given him here.
Steve kisses Bucky again, taking his time with it. Rolling onto his back and pulling Bucky closer to change their position. Another drawing he'll need to do to add to his growing list.
"You could say it," he whispers between them, caring nothing for what this might do to the past or the future or anything else. "You could tell me anytime you want because I know that I loved you in back alley fights and smokey dance halls and in army tents...just as much as I love you here and now. There's never been a time I didn't love you, Buck. And there never will be."
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Date: 2022-05-17 04:25 am (UTC)Now Bucky sees it’s been something else all along. Because this? This is what his heart aches for. Bucky feels a little like he’s coming back down to Earth from the moon, as they sag against each other in a sweaty, damp mess, and Bucky aches in places he didn’t know he aches while Steve wrests a little whimper out of him when he pulls back and leaves Bucky deliciously sore and empty. Immediately, Bucky turns on his side so he can wrap his arms around Steve and tangle a leg with his, and just…savoring this between them. For once, there’s no War out there or Captain and Sarge responsibilities, or the worry that someone’ll stumble on ‘em and it’ll be a blue ticket.
“No neighbors or paper thin walls or GIs nearby. Hell, let’s pretend we actually own these digs. You made it big and bought the entire building,” Bucky laughs, warm and soft against Steve’s mouth before he’s quieted with a pleased sound as they kiss in the sweet aftermath like maybe they do got all the time in the world.
They don’t. Some instinct says they don’t, ‘cause he’s gotta go back somehow. But it’s at the back of his mind while Bucky laughs as Steve rolls him as easily as Bucky’d pick up his dates: Bucky settles, a long, lean form over Steve’s, with his elbows braced near Steev’s head as he brushes strands of dirty blond hair back from Steve’s temple and presses his temple to his.
“I’m too much of a coward to say it back then but I do love you. Always have,” Bucky says, pressing a trail of kisses to Steve’s thick shoulder, before snuggling down to curl up along Steve like he’s the best pillow to come out of America, and letting his head rest along Steve’s shoulder. “It’s just, we weren’t big on spilling our guts back then about our feelings. It’s different here.”
Bucky falls silent, thoughtful, tracing aimless circles along the sheen cooling on Steve’s skin. After awhile, Bucky breaks the silence:
“Maybe...maybe I’ll test the waters. Whenever I get back,” Okay, the idea scares Bucky shitless, but still, maybe it’s better to try while he’s still kicking, than never even know. “If you were me, how would you go about it without scaring him off? ‘Cause coming up on him and planting one isn’t gonna do it.”
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Date: 2022-05-20 01:57 am (UTC)"I'm sorry... Are you asking for advice on how to seduce me?"
He giggles, still light from the glow of sex and practically drunk on the fact that Bucky returned his love. It's been a very long time since Steve first got his new body and felt unstoppable in it. That wild, heady insanity is back now though. Indestructible. Blessed. Whole, perhaps. The thoughts and feelings rush around inside him as they often do, but this time they are all uncharacteristically positive.
It won't last but it is nice for the moment.
"Geez, Buck. This might be one of the strangest questions I haveta answer and you have no idea what people in this time feel comfortable asking about in interviews." The first time someone with a camera asked 'Boxers or Briefs', Steve had frozen so completely that Tony needed to step in. "But... Honestly? You might be overthinking it, pal."
He reaches out and strokes the other's hair back. It's not necessary. Bucky's hair is so much shorter now than it is in this time. The contact, however, is desperately needed. Steve keeps stroking against his cheek, slow and tenderly.
"You and I here...there wasn't a lot we needed to say. I think it's because on some level we... We just already know. Won't think about it or do anything. But it's already there. And if you wanna test the waters, I really feel like just... Just you looking at me the way you used to look at dames? Maybe reaching out..." Steve reaches his hand for Bucky's and just holds it. "That'll get my brain working for sure. And if I think you're making a move, well. I can't have you beating me..."
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Date: 2022-05-21 04:16 am (UTC)Except Steve just has to grin like that, and that earns him a gentle punch to the shoulder, before Bucky resumes skimming his knuckles up and down the firm muscles.
“Well… When you gotta put it like that, yeah. I guess so,” Bucky shrugs, face warm. Okay, so it’s a weird question. But Steve’s still Steve, so who better to ask? “It’s not like I can just tip you over and plant one on you. The you back in the War.”
Bucky’s eyes flutter closed for a moment as he presses into the caresses trailing down his cheek, turning his head just so he can catch at Steve’s fingertips with the corner of his lips for a sec. He’d kind of written this kind of thing off after a couple months after shipping out overseas. Some guys went a little wild in town, but Bucky’s interest had mostly dried up when all he could think of was going back into the meat grinder or worrying what Steve was doing without anyone watching his back.
Bucky finds himself grinning over at Steve as his hand settles on his shoulder and he nestles even closer. “I don’t know, pal, I can think of a few doozies the press tried to squeeze past for Captain America.”
Maybe he’s over-thinking it. Still, Bucky looks a little doubtful, but he doesn’t hesitate in tangling his fingers with Steve's and their ankles.
“Sure, sometimes we don’t need to spill our guts on stuff. I just know and so do you. Most of the time,” Bucky says, doubtfully. “I just don’t know what I’d do if you looked at me like I grew a second head. Or worse. It’s easier with you. You’re different in some ways. ” A slow smile creeps back onto Bucky’s face, and he pretends to bat his eyes like some doll on the big screen. It’s not the same when he doesn’t got the big lashes or doe eyes. “So you mean I should come at you like this?”
Maybe he’s covering up on how unsure he is. But,..it couldn't be that easy to get his Steve’s brain turning. Can it?
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Date: 2022-05-25 04:35 pm (UTC)Steve hadn't realized until now that he hasn't felt that way since before Pearl Harbor.
"No. No, Buck." He's still smiling and if he had a mirror it would blow him away how much the genuine happiness changes his face. Steve rolls them over so he can lean over Bucky with one hand holding him up. The other just can't stop petting at his hair and cheek.
"You gotta remember, we went on so many dates. I saw you with those dames and how you just tilted your head and got them to blush and lean in closer. It was like magic when I was younger. And then when I started figuring myself out, it was something I almost was hungry for. And sometimes...sometimes you would. And I would think..."
Steve shakes his head. No use thinking of the past when there was a naked Bucky underneath him and a past version of himself to seduce. Jesus. What had his life become?
"I know your face when you want someone," Steve says. He lets his own gaze heat up as though to prove his point, looking Bucky up and down from the new vantage point. "And maybe it was an act or a role you played...but to me then, it was real. And I know it in the dark. So just. Look at me like you want me. Let me see it. Reach out and..."
His breath studders for a second, throat seizing with an emotion he hadn't realized was welling up. Heartache. Longing. Hunger. Steve remembers how touch-starved he'd been his whole life and how touch-starved he remained up until this very night. It's the best advice to give Bucky in order to get Steve melting into his arms and it also feels like a personal betrayal to just lay it out on the table. Like reading his own diary aloud.
But if he can't trust Bucky with it, there's no one. And indeed, without Bucky, there is no one.
"Just touch me. You have no idea how bad I need it. Just touch me. Doesn't even matter how. That's it. I promise, that's all you need to do in order to have me, 'cause in most every other way, you already do."
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Date: 2022-05-27 03:27 am (UTC)Bucky grins back, and he kicks the sheet off so they can roll, bodies nice and flush together, and his thighs parting so Steve can slot up against him. Bucky’s hands settle on Steve’s trim waist, thumbs rubbing circles along the firm skin. He’s far heavier than any dame Bucky’s rolled with, but honestly? It’s amazing. Really amazing. Steve’s weight makes him feel safer than he has in ages, and that gorgeous grin on Steve’s face?
Bottle it up and save it, if it doesn’t make a guy feel like a million bucks.
Bucky’s eyes drift half-closed as fingers comb through his hair, while Bucky pets along Steve’s flank, while a guilty, smug little shiver goes through him at the thought of Steve watching him. Noticing him. And noticing that little something that was in Bucky that he’d tried to stamp down, that always had him yearning for his best guy.
“And god, did I want you,” Bucky breathes out, almost a whisper and looking the tiniest bit guilty. “Surprised you never called me out or anything. Sometimes it’s hard not to look at you like you’re the sun, even when we got company.”
He reaches up, cupping at Steve’s jaw, before smoothing down along his throat. Fingers splay along Steve’s collarbones, letting him feel the gun calluses and heat.
“I will. When I get back. Maybe take it slow and subtle, but it’s gonna be hard considering I’ve had it bad for you for years.” Bucky doesn’t say the quiet part; that he can’t afford to be too patient anymore if he’s basically got his foot in the grave. His hand drifts back up and he draws Steve’s head down into another kiss. “Thank you. From both of us.”
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Date: 2022-06-01 12:51 am (UTC)"It's bizarre. I am jealous of myself," he says softly. The laugh that comes out of him is half honest and half miserable because he can't really decide if he's happy to have helped them or not. Honestly, he doesn't even know if what he said here will make the jump back to the 40's. He doesn't have any memories of Bucky and him making time on the front lines. Does that mean he's now changed time? Or does that mean that this all is somehow erased? Bucky forgetting it all the minute he goes back?
Steve doesn't even entertain the idea that he doesn't go back. Fate is not that kind to either of them and to hope for it to be different is selfish in a strange, almost perverse way. Steve in the past needs his Bucky. Just like Steve perpetually needs his Bucky, including now when the man is frozen in Wakanda, mind in shambles.
He closes his eyes for a moment and tries not to think about that. Tries not to think about the moment when he reaches for the man beneath him and finds nothing but air. For now he is here. For now, Steve can have this.
"When you get back," he finally says, "tell me to enjoy the moment. Even in the war... there is so much I am going to miss faster than I realize. Both of you. Just. Enjoy what you can."
He smiles a bit and kisses Bucky harder than before.
"But right now...you're mine to enjoy, pal. And I am gonna take my own advice for once."
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Date: 2022-06-03 03:32 am (UTC)“What a world, huh? Jealous of yourself.” Bucky nuzzles against his cheek, draping his arms along Steve’s waist and holding him close, heart aching at the misery half sitting in Steve’s voice. The world’s done a number to this version of Steve, and Bucky’s got no clue how to fix it. What Bucky can do in that moment is make sure Steve doesn’t go for a second without a reminder that Bucky’s right there with him. His hands roam unhurriedly along Steve’s body, while he presses soft kisses down the hollow behind his ear down along the thrum of his pulse, before they come together once again in a fierce kiss like they’re gonna imprint this moment no matter what happens.
If there’s anything Bucky’s learned on the front, it’s that good things don’t last long. Whatever good you found, you held onto it as tight as you could, ‘cause it could get taken the next moment. And something in Bucky’s gut knows this can’t last forever; two times crashed together in a way they were never meant to be. After all, there’s the fight back home. Steve and the Commandos. His family. And death waiting for him before the War’s one…and what if him being taken out is the only thing that saves Steve or the boys?
The Steve back home is somehow still (mostly) an optimist. Now Bucky, he’s not a pessimist. Just realistic. And the bill’s gotta come due somehow, right?
“Maybe something we both need to hear. But… I will. Promise,” Bucky whispers. Especially when his own days are numbered. Bucky nudges Steve, and rolls them over, sheets rustling, perched with his thighs framing Steve’s lap as he leans down over him. “And until then, maybe you can show me all the fun stuff the serum can do.”
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Date: 2022-06-04 03:16 am (UTC)"Oh, pal. You're in for a very educative night."
He is grinning then as he flips them over and lets his body blanket Bucky's entirely. Their cocks are flush and at the perfect location to thrust against one another. But there is no rush as Steve lets his body slide against Bucky's. No urgency and no desperation as there was before. Steve may have only this moment, after all. And while he might want to make the most of it, he doesn't want to just gorge himself without really savoring what he's got.
"I love you, Bucky," he says between one kiss and the next. He knows sooner rather than later he is going to lose this. He can almost taste the borrowed time slipping away. So he needs it to be clear. He needs to say it and feel it while he can.
Steve kisses Bucky softer, one more time.
"I love you so much. Now and forever."
And with that done, he smirks.
"Now. Let's see how well your serum can match with mine..."
[Timeskip]
Date: 2022-06-05 04:57 am (UTC)When Bucky finally slips off into a blissed out sleep, it’s with arms wound around Steve and a delicious feeling of relaxation that he hasn’t felt since shipping out. Even better? There isn’t even a single nightmare. For the first time in ages, he actually, finally sleeps.
And then Bucky’s eyes flutter open. What he notices first is what’s missing: the heavy exhaustion set behind his eyes like it’s never gonna leave, or the dull headache that seems like a second shadow. He feels….refreshed? Bucky’s eyes slip closed again - just for a moment, like when you’re thinking of turning off and taking another ten - as he pats around next to him for Steve. Only to come up with nothing. Not even in a dip in the mattress or the heat left behind him. It’s like that Steve, older, wiser, sadder, worn out and so badly in need of someone to let him lean on them, never existed.
Bucky’s eyes open with all the reluctance of a fella knowing he doesn’t want to come back to Kansas. His eyebrows furrow as he stares up at the ceiling; cracked and unfamiliar, and sure as hell not what he’d been staring up at hours ago. Even the sheets feel weird; ‘course they would, because he’s dressed in his uniform minus the boots, like someone found him all sauced up and dumped him some shuteye wherever they could.
If it weren’t for the pleasant ache all over his body, you’d almost think it was all a dream. Bucky frowns up at the ceiling before he takes in a slow, measured breath like he’s gotta brace himself to face the real world, and finally turns his head to the familiar shape sitting nearby.
“Steve,” Bucky breathes out, as he looks him over. The differences are like night and day; here’s Steve looking fresh cut and clean - the very picture of America’s favorite Captain sure as hell didn’t have a beard or long hair - and without that dark shadow set in behind his eyes. “What happened?”
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Date: 2022-06-05 06:08 pm (UTC)Steve never heard the answer because he was already out of the room and running.
It took him longer than he would have liked to find Bucky and the officers who had carried him over to a nearby couch. Mostly because he hadn't thought until after he was out of the room to ask which bar specifically they'd been talking about. But once he found Bucky and the small crowd of officers and a bartender hovering over him, he took control. Bucky was asleep with no sign of injuries. His eyes weren't even moving behind his eyelids so it wasn't like he was simply asleep. Scared, Steve barked at someone to go bring a doctor to his room and then got a gurney to carry him up to a bed upstairs. The bartender didn't even ask them to pay for the room and looked at Bucky with such deep concern that Steve couldn't help but note it. Bucky must be a very good patron here, he thought to himself and stopped the train of thought right at that station.
The medic came and checked Bucky out but could come up with nothing to explain it. He agreed there was no wounds and that, perhaps, this was just exhaustion catching up with him. After Azzano there had been a great many battles and not much time between. The medic told Steve to just have someone watch over him and to call again if anything changed or he didn't awaken by morning. A few soldiers offered to perform the duty (as did the bartender which was just about when Steve thanked him and kicked him out completely) but this was Steve's job.
He'd lived his life by Bucky's side and in his pocket. None of that was changing now.
So he'd waited. He'd prayed and he'd watched and wondered if this how Bucky had felt during his bouts of pneumonia and sickness. He brushed the hair from Bucky's forehead and monitored his pulse. And he waited. Until, finally, he hears his name being spoken aloud.
"Buck," he breathes out in relief, moving his chair closer to the bed so he can look at his friend closer. He reaches for his hand and takes it in a tight grip. The next sound out of him is a light laugh, wet around the edges but not giving into that sentimentality. "Jesus, Buck. Was this payback for the time you needed to call a priest in '35? If so, swell, pal. Point made."
He reaches over for a pitcher and pours a small glass of water to hold out for him.
"You were unconscious at the bar. For hours," he finally explains. "What happened? Do you know?"
no subject
Date: 2022-06-06 02:51 am (UTC)Jesus, I’m a real piece of work. I’m back here with my best friend and this is how I’m feeling? Get it together, Barnes.
“Maybe I like keeping you on your toes,” Bucky says, even as he’s scrambling to figure out what happened. All he’s got is the faintest trace of incense lingering on him;the kind that seems exotic, faraway and slowly fading. Just for a moment, Bucky’s curls his hands into the comforter thrown over him, mostly so he doesn’t go doing something stupid like dragging Steve down into a fierce kiss. One thing to talk about it with that other Steve. One thing to press kiss after kiss to him like he’s never planning on stopping. Another thing to come face to face with his Steve who doesn’t got a clue. Bucky’s resolve wavers.
Then Steve’s grabbing his hand, and Bucky sucks in a sharp little gasp like he’s feeling his hand on him all over again. His fingers tangle with his and squeeze tight, holding Steve in a way he’s never let himself after the 107th’s rescued. People can overlook it after you get dragged out looking half dead. Just not any other time. Bucky gives him a squeeze, resting his hand over there’s. See? He’s not going anywhere.
His eyebrows shoot upwards all the same as he echoes;.“Hours? You kidding me?”
Bucky has to fight a little with the pillows -who’s bed is this, anyway? - until he can sit up. Reaching for the water, Bucky cradles it in his hands as he searches the room like it’ll give him a clue, then Steve’s face.
What happened is a version of you and I practically wore a bed down to scrap metal. Bucky thankfully doesn’t blurt out. “I just came here to have a couple drinks and that it’s. Been a long week and that last mission was pretty rough. Guess I must've been more beat than I thought.”
no subject
Date: 2022-06-06 03:10 am (UTC)"We couldn't wake you for love or money, pal. Tried salts, water, even hittin' you. Musta really been a long week to put you out like that." Steve makes no move to hide the suspicion from his voice but that is as far as he's willing to take it. As long as Bucky is hale and hearty, Steve figures his business should be his own.
For now at least.
He gets up from the chair and moves to perch himself on the bed beside Bucky's thigh. The mattress sinks more than he's used to considering he weighs so much more. It's still something he needs to adjust to. He taps on Bucky's leg to silently request he grant more space and then just leaves his hand on his knee.
"Scared the hell outta me, Buck," he admits as soft as though he's telling a secret. But then he laughs and brushes the sentimentality away. "I just get you back and then you go and pull the Snow White act? Almost made me haveta find some poor dame to kiss your ugly mug." He squeezes Bucky's knee just a bit more firmly than is friendly.
"Don't do it again, okay?"
no subject
Date: 2022-06-07 02:59 am (UTC)It’s not like Bucky knows what caused him and that other Steve’s times to crash together, or how he got back. But Bucky’s also not telling the story, and if there’s something he’s never been great at, it’s fibbing a big one to his best friend. Like passing out and not coming to for anything like a real Rumpelstiltskin nothing anyone should worry about it.
Still doesn’t mean Bucky’s not gonna cling to it anyway. Besides, it wasn’t like he died.
That’s still coming up, apparently, Bucky thinks, with a throat suddenly gone dry and takes a long sip even as Steve gets up and the mattress dips under his weight just like it did when the other Steve crouched onto the mattress before pushing Steve back. Bucky chokes a little on his drink, and covers it up by clearing his throat as he scoots a little so Steve’s got more space. But it’s the hand settling on his knee that almost gives Bucky up, because he can’t quite help that frozen second where his leg falls open just a little bit as if for Steve all over again.
Where things were familiar, comfortable, now Bucky can practically feel a shift between them. His thigh tenses under Steve’s squeeze, like a little shiver’s rolled through him, before Bucky knocks a shoulder into Steve’s.
“Sorry,” Bucky mutters. It’s not like he meant for any of this to happen. And the last thing he wants is for Steve to worry, and maybe trying to bring a smile is what digs Bucky’s grave a little deeper, because he has to open his big mouth without thinking; “Imagine if you couldn’t find any cute birds around. You’d have to do the honors.”
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Date: 2022-06-07 03:27 am (UTC)The shiver that skates up from the fingertips on Bucky's tilted knee. The tension somehow moving from Bucky's thigh through his shoulder and into Steve's. The heat along his cheeks at the jest of a kiss. All of these are clues to help Steve understand what the Hell is going on here. What happened in the hours that had passed since he'd seen Bucky last? What had changed?
For a moment the bartender from downstairs and his odd concern floats through Steve's mind. Another thing he isn't entirely sure of the reason for. Although, maybe he is.
"I dunno if I'm ready to slum it that far," Steve aims to tease back. It falls flat from the complete lack of enthusiasm on delivery. His heart just isn't in it because it's instead clogging up his throat, beating its way to a heart attack. Steve's hand is still on Bucky's leg and not going anywhere. He's got a whole other hand that's free and burning with a need to touch something. Maybe the edge of that fake smile so he could rub it off. He settles instead on pressing it to Bucky's forehead like checking for a fever.
The doctor had already done that but there's no harm in checking again. Especially when it gives him an excuse to touch Bucky's face and the guy was too comatose to realize the redundancy of the gesture.
"Buck," his voice comes out soft and private. His hand falls to Bucky's neck and both give a reassuring squeeze. Static before a storm. Steve feels the atmosphere around them with the same charged potential. "Buck, you can talk to me. Something...Something happened, didn't it? You know you can trust me with it.
"I may be America's Captain but I'm your friend first. Always."
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Date: 2022-06-08 04:44 am (UTC)Bucky rolls his eyes and lets his shoulders sag as he pretends like he’s putting a real effort here into dealing with Steve mother-henning now. He’s not running hot like Steve does. Actually, most days, it seems like he’s always cold, or his stomach gnawing even when he eats the full ration back in camp. But there’s nothing feverish waiting for Steve’s palm.
Bucky kind expects that to be it. His stomach flutters like someone tossed a fistful of butterflies there the next moment; Steve leans in closer, concerned, voice soft, and his hand settles along the nape of his neck and how did Bucky survive until today when his best friend’s looking at him like that? He sucks in a sharp, soft gasp.
At this point, Bucky’s kind of clutching at his glass like it’s his lifeline in the growing tension heavy in the air. Steve’s noticed it; the way that something’s off, that they aren’t quite fitting back into the slots they always have with each other. It’s like Bucky’s eyes have been opened, and now he can’t see things differently even if his life depended on it.
“‘Course I trust you. With my life,” Bucky sets the glass aside so he doesn’t end up spilling it, and he turns to look at Steve, hand curling along his forearm as he searches his face while he figures out which way this is gonna go. But something’s gotta give, and he’s not gonna turn tail. “I guess after that last mission, I’ve been doing some thinking. About the War. All this.” About us, Bucky thinks. “Does it feel like it’s becoming the Mission and only the mission?”
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Date: 2022-06-09 12:11 am (UTC)Jesus. He needs to get a hold on himself. Bucky had been comatose just minutes ago. This was inappropriate at the best of times. Right now it's inexcusable.
'I've been doing some thinking...,' Bucky says. Steve flinches in the second it takes from that sentence to the next. Nothing good usually came after those words, he'd heard from others. But then Bucky is talking about the War and isn't that a strange thing to find war a less dangerous topic than anything else? Bucky goes on, talking about the Mission. Steve frowns but that's all that moves so Bucky's hand doesn't dislodge and he doesn't draw attention to his own which are still planted.
"I...uh," he says a few seconds before he actually knows what he's thinking. This is feeling like it's the mission and only the mission? Well...
"I mean...yeah? Yes?" Confusion is plain on his face, like Bucky had asked if the Dodgers were better than the Yankees. "What else would there be if not the Mission, Buck? We're at war and it's not like I thought the serum came with a vacation..."
Even now he knows bone-deep how complete that trade off was, too. Either way, walking into that chamber he knew he was going to be giving up his life; either he died and lost it that way or he didn't and it no longer belonged to him. But it makes sense that Bucky might question that truth. He never made that sacrifice. His life was leased to the army, not sold.
It made sense that he'd be thinking about what comes next. What exists beyond the blood and dirt. Bucky still has those options open.
He shifts back and shrugs. "But... I mean, yeah. I can see where you might be gettin' restless. Need a break or something..."
Steve's stomach falls into his feet, terror like ice down his spine as he thinks he knows where this is going.
"Is...uh. Is that what you need? Some time off? 'Cause I can ask and see if they can't camp you up somewhere to rest up. Lord knows you and the guys all deserve it..."
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Date: 2022-06-10 03:29 am (UTC)It’s there and gone, but Bucky catches the actual wince across Steve’s face. Like…like maybe he already knows where Bucky’s going with this, and maybe that other Steve didn’t read his own time right. Maybe this Steve, his Steve, already subjects where ethos is going…and was hoping to avoid the subject if their friendship was gonna survive another day.
Bucky’s own stomach clenches with uneasiness. And for a second, Bucky even thinks of pulling it back, settling on something safer. But if not now, when? According to the future Steve, Bucky’s already a dead man walking. And maybe Bucky should also take that other Steve’s words to heart. Why live knowing his days are numbered and not have the guts to see where this even goes? Steve’s still touching him, a hand resting ont eh nape of his neck and splayed along his knee, with Bucky’s other hand over his.
Bucky’s jaw tightens, look firm like he’s bracing himself for a leap. Only…
Bucky stares at Steve for a second, startled, ‘cause that wasn’t exactly where Bucky had been going. Of course he’d like a break, any guy would. But it’s war. The War. And Bucky didn't take the first exit out when he had one, and how he's gonna even think about it when Steve's out here fighting?
“I mean, sure, who doesn’t? I just don’t think the brass is gonna be keen on one of their best sniper’s kicking their boots up,” Bucky says, doubtfully. Maybe this was too subtle. With a sigh, Bucky pulls Steve’s hand from his neck, but only so he can clasp both of Steve’s hands in his and look him in the eye like he’s trying to get Steve to see a glimmer of where he’s going without making Bucky spill his entire heart. He’s never been good at that. “I just meant…. I don’t know, the last couple of days got me thinking. About how maybe a guy should appreciate the good moments, while he’s got it.”
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Date: 2022-06-10 05:03 pm (UTC)Here's what he has: Bucky has been thinking about appreciating the good moments. He's bringing up that fact after being in what was essentially a short coma at a bar. There's a bartender that probably means nothing but who Steve just can't dismiss. And there is this tension, pregnant and heavy around them which he can't figure out the origin of.
All of that has to be related somehow but how? And why? And what the Hell happened to his friend?
Steve finally shifts and it's pretty much just an adjustment of posture. His hands stay where they are. He can't discount the idea that something odd might happen again and, if it does, he needs Bucky within reach.
"Buck," he says softly, confused. "Is this... Are you..."
He rearranges the clues and thinks he might have a new image bubbling up from the smoke in his crystal ball: Bucky being knocked out, the bartender being very concerned and eager to assist, Bucky talking about enjoying good moments while he can, needing breaks...
Steve swallows hard.
"Did...did you take something? In the bar?"
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Date: 2022-06-11 04:17 am (UTC)Honestly, it’d been kinda painful.
Now Bucky’s feeling a little like Eliza. He squeezes Steve’s hand, emphatically, as he shakes his head. “What, no! No, nothing different than when we get the night off,” And just in case, Bucky tacks on. “I just have my usual. Couple shots of whiskey. That’s all.”
Bucky looks down at Steve’s hands gripped in his, wondering how the hell he’s gonna get this point across to Steve. The other Steve just…got it. His own Steve’s so oblivious that Bucky’s wondering if maybe the other Steve read the past one wrong. Or something. Look, Bucky likes fantasy and science-fiction but he’s no experiment in time travel stuff.
Bucky dares a glance up at Steve to see him looking at him with concern. Like he's trying to be there for him like any best friend should, but he’s not sure what’s going on or how to help.
“What I meant - “ And Bucky stalls about, ‘cause now he’s afraid Steve’s not gonna quite get it if he works it out. So instead, Bucky’s hand twists in Steve’s shirt as he tugs him towards him and gasps out, “Please, please don’t hate me for this -”
Their lips crash together the next second in a fierce, hard kiss that Bucky narrowly avoids clicking their teeth on.
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Date: 2022-06-11 04:59 am (UTC)She knew.
Steve could see from the patient, fond, almost pitying expression on her face that she knew now. And it was a miracle she wasn't disgusted or running from him for it. If anything she seemed almost charmed. But still, the fact that his heart was so exposed that he could just bare it without even meaning to?
Well. That wasn't actually new information, really. But it did underline how lax he'd become with hiding it. Something he couldn't afford out here if he wanted them to stay together. Something he couldn't afford full stop if he wanted to keep Bucky in his life.
Or so he thought.
Steve shoves Bucky back a few seconds into the kiss. It's instinctual, his eyes darting around the locked and private room as though someone was hiding in the curtain. Even when he's sure they're safe and alone, he looks almost horrified for a second. Like his most private, desperate dream had somehow clawed its way into reality just to expose him. Just to push Bucky away from him. But the horror fades away quickly since the only one doing any pushing here was him.
And, Jesus Christ. Bucky had kissed him.
Steve stares at his friend, stunned now more than anything else. His lips are warm and tingling from the hard kiss they'd just received. It had been short but Steve was replaying every second of it in his head. Bucky asking for Steve not to hate him. The way he got tugged in close. The feel of his best friend's body so near to his own, lips pressed to his and gently shifting. He'd dreamed of a moment like that. Wanted it for longer than he could even remember. And it had happened. It had really happened.
And Steve had stopped it. Which... yeah. Okay. That was a bad idea. Steve could worry about what this means or why it's happening later on. Right now though...
"Bucky... Buck," he says in a hoarse voice. "I could never hate you. Hear me?"
Steve's a lot less confident than Bucky or his future self had been. He uses his grip on Bucky's shoulders to pull him forward and almost tentatively shifts his head to press a peck to the corner of the other's mouth. Even that alone makes his body light up like a Christmas tree and his cheeks go pink.
"Never. And definitely not for this..."
Steve blushes all the more as he leans back in to try a more firm, passionate kiss like Bucky did. This time however teeth can't be spared and he lets out a soft curse before trying again with a bit more care.
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Date: 2022-06-11 11:46 pm (UTC)God, how could he be so stupid? To assume this Steve might feel the same? If the other Steve didn’t remember them becoming a thing back in the War, then it must’ve never happened, or maybe time travel’s a lot like roads that are similar but run alongside each other.
Now they stare at each other, Steve’s eyes wide as saucers and looking fucking horrified Bucky drops his head, gut twisting, and looks away as his throat works on a hard swallow as his mind races on what he should say. What can he say to salvage this? He’s ruined their friendship. Probably ruined the squad, if Steve starts second-guessing himself and doesn’t trust him to have his back right.
“I-” Bucky starts, then falls short. He doesn’t got a clue what to say. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have. I know you’re not like that”
Even if Steve’s telling him he could never hate him, Bucky can’t get that Steve’s look out of his head or how quick he pushed him back. Maybe they’ll work together but how can they be okay after this? Bucky’s tense under Steve’s grip, and it’s only when he feels Steve pulling him towards him that he looks up, just in time to see Steve press in closer just to land a soft peck - the kind when you were just starting out, playing it safe - to the corner of Bucky’s lips.
Bucky gapes, thrown. “You’re not disgusted-?”
It’s as far as Bucky gets, because Steve’s leaning in, capturing his lips with a faint click of teeth that Bucky both winces and laughs with sheer relief into, while as he drags Steve in all the way closer against him with a low, wanting, desperate sound. Whatever’s going through Steve’s head, it can wait. Bucky’s almost too afraid to dig closer.
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Date: 2022-06-12 03:51 am (UTC)He's touched them before. He and Bucky would give each other haircuts when they lived together and noticed one of them needed it. Steve knows the feeling of the other's hair as well as he does his own. But touching it like this feels new and almost erotic. Steve's blunt nails scratch at Bucky's scalp as his hand curls a bit and straightens again. He shivers as though he were the one feeling it.
Steve breaks the kiss for a second just to breathe, eyes blinking open and drinking his friend's features in at this new, intimate distance. They're close enough that even just shifting his head has their noses bumping. The sensation brings a smile to his face and Steve continues to do it intentionally, now. Nuzzling like a puppy between short pecks.
"I'm not disgusted," he says needlessly, smile growing. "Jesus. I figured if you'd ever...you know. Known... That would be the last nail in the coffin for whatever kept you with me."
He strokes the fingers of his free hand along Bucky's jawline, up to his temple and then down again. Steve hasn't stopped smiling yet. His face almost hurts with it.
"But, seriously? You... me?! You can have anyone. You practically did back in Brooklyn. I know the new body and all helps, but... You'd seriously want this with me?"
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Date: 2022-06-14 03:13 am (UTC)Bucky’s grip smooths out the next seconds, hands splayed flat over Steve’s chest as he tastes Steve’s mouth like it’s new all over again, and leans in closer. Arousal flickers down in a hot path down past his belly, as blunt nails drag against Bucky’s scalp, Bucky’s breathing thick and uneven by the time they part. Bucky opens his eyes, their noses grazing against each other as Bucky takes Steve in; the gorgeous flush of pink to kiss-teased lips, the way his hair’s a little ruffled and the dazed little smile on his best friend leans in. Bucky’s smiling, relieved, thrilled, heart fluttering as they curl towards each other, nuzzling against each other’s lips between short, teasing kisses.
“I guess I was too afraid to say anything until now. Not until all this,” Bucky sighs. It had taken the War and then meeting the Future Steve to give Bucky some courage. Bucky looks down at where he’s toying with one of the clasps on Steve’s jacket, but leaves it at that: this is already a big leap, and Bucky’s sure as hell not about to scare Steve off by going too far, too fast. Whatever Steve wants, at the speed he wants, as far as he wants. Whatever that looks like, Bucky knows he’ll be thrilled with anything. He’s wanted Steve Rogers for so long that he’s happy for anything. “You felt the same? Really?”
What about Peggy, Bucky almost asks. He doesn’t hate himself that much, so he keeps his mouth shut. Whatever this is, even if it’s short or a one time kinda thing, Bucky’ll take it.
He looks back up, cupping along the angle of Steve’s jaw and tilts Steve’s face into a slow, thorough, deep kiss before framing Steve’s face in his hands and looking him dead in the eye, utterly serious. ‘Cause Steve has to know -
“It’s not ‘cause of the serum. Or all this - “ the new body, the power. Never has been. Bucky continues. “-I’ve wanted you long before anyone dreamed up Project Rebirth. All those birds who turned you down didn’t know what they were missing or they were blind. “
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Date: 2022-06-15 03:14 am (UTC)But Bucky's words hit him deep. After the serum it's been like he possessed someone else. His body, healthier, stronger, and bigger than before is not his own as much as it is. People looking at him now don't register as people looking at him. Captain America is a force of his own and Steve Rogers died somewhere in Jersey. To everyone except for a small few, it seems.
One of the main people being Bucky.
With the other man's hands on his face, Steve covers them with his own and returns that deep kiss from before. He's new at this but a fast learner. He even manages to nip a bit at Bucky's lower lip before pulling away. The blush is still all over his cheeks but Steve's gaze is less embarrassed than heated now. Heated and oh so terribly in love.
"I wanted you for so long, Buck. I couldn't risk losing you by saying anything... But yeah. I felt the same. Probably since I started feeling anything for anyone... It was always you..."
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