brooklyn_boy | DRIFTFLEET IC INBOX

[Steve pulls back, forehead pressing into Bucky's.]

I talked to...Winter. Yelled, more like.

[His arms go around Bucky's waist, holding him.]

It's like losing him all over, hearing him talk about how he's a different person. How little of my old friend is there...

[Bucky blows out a breath. Oh. Things just keep getting more complicated; part of him wonders, not for the first time, if the Atroma are doing this for the drama.

But regardless of the reason, it's happening, and - ] Steve. I'm sorry.

[His fingers curl in the fabric of Steve's shirt, at his waist.] I'm sorry. It's shitty, and you shouldn't have to go through it once, let alone more.

[Steve lets out a sound like a so as his head turns to press into Bucky's neck. He just wants to bury himself inside his friend. Remind him that he's still here and still alive.]

Going by the name 'Winter' isn't enough. He's saying that I expect too much from him.

[He makes the same noise.]

Maybe I do.

[The noise Bucky makes is all frustration; the hand around Steve's waist tightens, while the other comes up to touch the back of his head.] If you do, then so do I.

[He lets out a breath.] I talked to - the other one. The one who wants to go by Soldat.

[It was not really a pleasant conversation, even if there wasn't any yelling involved. But,] I expected him to be like me.

[And he's not. At all.

Even though Steve can't see it, Bucky's mouth twists, and he stands there until,] C'mon, pal. Let's sit down. [He starts shuffling them over toward the bed, even if he's not really letting go of Steve. He doesn't think that's a wise idea at all.]

[Steve allows himself to be brought to the bed. Once he sits he allows a little bit of distance between the two of them as he looks down at the floor, thinking.]

They're not you. I know they won't be. Just like...your Steve isn't me. But I thought...

[He exhales, scrubbing his face.]

I thought one day he might just. Remember. I thought I might not be the only one with...all of these memories. All of these things I've held on to. Alone.

[He looks up at Bucky, plainly desperate.]

Tell me something you remember? Anything... Just. Anything.

[There might be a bit of distance between them, but Bucky's still close enough to touch if Steve needs it, just like he always sits - always sat, even before anything changed.

It's painful to hear Steve say that, but, he gets it. He does. When he'd woken up in the future, he'd felt so goddamned alone. Even with Peggy still alive... she was in her nineties. (So is he, and he knows it, but it's different. It's different.)

At Steve's request, he knows he shouldn't, but he laughs a little, because,] That's not very specific.

[But he shifts his hand over enough to touch Steve's, and finds something, whatever comes to his mind first.] I remember you got into trouble a lot at school. And I remember I was always yelling at you for it, even though I knew the nuns had already done the whole disapproving thing. You remember the time you got blamed for breaking the third-story window? And it wasn't you at all, but Peter O'Rourke? I punched him in the face for that one, when he thought it'd all been forgotten. I felt so proud, waitin' for my revenge. For our revenge.

[Steve laughs at the memory even if it's not the same sort of laugh he'd have given it a different time.]

They warned you about me. Warned your ma too. Too bad I already got my claws in ya.

[He turns his hand and takes Bucky's hand in his. Steve shifts and moves closer, head falling against the other's shoulder.]

I was upset Winter didn't remember our double dates. Of all the stupid things to start a fight over.

[It's maybe not the best example, but it's a pretty typical one - and the first thing that had popped into his head. Still, Bucky gets why Steve's laugh isn't as free as he'd like it to be, even if it's better than nothing at all.

Hell. Hearing Steve laugh ever again had been a thing he'd given up on for so long - and yet, it seems, not very long at all. He gets it. He really does.

He squeezes Steve's hand back, and shifts to let Steve lean against him. This, at least, is familiar; he's sat close with a hundred dates this way, even if none of them were guys a couple inches bigger than he was - or, you know, guys at all. But there's something comforting about it to him - and, he hopes, to Steve as well.]

I'dve thought you'd want him to forget those, [he says, his voice a little light and teasing, but there's a thread of sympathy through it.

So it's not - it didn't all come back, huh?

[That tells him a lot - both for these guys that used to be him, and for his own Steve. It hurts, like carving something out of himself, some little piece of hope. It hurts, knowing Steve must feel like that, too - only worse.

So he tries for a little levity, turning his head to brush a kiss to Steve's hairline, since it's right there.] Stevie, you've started fights over way stupider shit, honey.

[Then he blinks - and realizes the pet name just slipped out and - shit, shit, he isn't even sure he should call attention to it by apologizing. Or whether Steve will even want him to apologize. He grits his teeth and hopes it wasn't the wrong move.]

No. No, I guess it didn't. [He can hear the same pain in Bucky's voice that he felt inside himself, knowing that there was a chunk that got ripped out of his friend for good. Steve slips his arm around his friend, intending to say something comforting. But then Bucky calls him 'honey'. And. Well. It's just the distraction he needs.

Steve pulls back, actually smiling.]

Honey? Is it because of the blonde hair?

[He doesn't mind. God, it feels good, actually. He'd heard Bucky charm girls with pet names so having one of his own feels right in a way he can't describe.

Steve leans in, kissing Bucky softly, thankful to have this one moment between all of the pain.]

What about you? Should I call you sweetheart? Doll? Sugar?

[He is grinning now, the fight pushed away for a short second. His free hand reaches to brush against Bucky's cheek. The smile fades into something warm and pensive. Steve cradles his jaw and holds those blue eyes with his own.]

God. I don't know what I would do without you, Buck...

[Well - seeing that smile is more than enough to wipe any worry off Bucky's face, because it immediately morphs into teasing.] It sure as fuck 'ain't 'cause you're sweet, [he says, lips twitching, too, in something that is definitely pleased relief.

They stay that way, too, even as Steve kisses him, and Bucky spreads his legs a little so their knees bump.] I dunno, pal. I'm sure as shit not rationed.

[But really... he isn't sure. Girls mostly just called him Bucky... or handsome, a couple of times. He feels weird suggesting anything, so he figures,] Why don't you see what comes natural. Which one you can say with a straight face, huh?

[Though when Steve's smile fades, Bucky's slips into something much softer, too.] Steve, [he says softly, because... he doesn't know. He suddenly doesn't know how he ever managed, these past two years. Maybe he really just wasn't managing at all, and that's the real secret to it all.

He reaches out, fingers resting against Steve's side.] You've got me, all right? You've got me right here. You would've had me even before you decided that making out with me was the best way to get me to stick around, [he teases gently, though he leans in, then, to press a kiss to the corner of Steve's mouth - not teasing, but soft.] Even if this goes south - which I'm not saying it will - I won't leave. Okay? I promise.

[But maybe, somewhere, Steve needs to hear that, and Bucky needs to say it.]

[Steve smiles but it's tired. He thuds their foreheads together after the kiss and closes his eyes, just trusting in the fact that Bucky is here and won't leave him.]

I can't lose you.

[Even saying the words seem to come at a cost to him.]

Even if you want to end this, I just. I can't lose my best friend again. I lost this huge piece of myself up on that train and I never thought I'd get it back.

Without you, I don't.

[Steve turns his head and presses their lips together in almost a nudge more than a kiss. Just a small push to prove the man is still here. He lets his nose nuzzle on it's way back though he doesn't really go far.]

You're...everything, sweetheart. [He remembers Winter saying those words about Nat. Steve really does understand.] I am glad to have you back in my corner. And...[He grins at the bed.]

Back in other places, too.

[Okay, Bucky has to snort at that.] Steve, you're awful at this - I swear I taught you better than this.

[But even as he's making a fist to smack against Steve's shoulder - not hard at all - the rest of it definitely needs addressing, and he ends up taking Steve's face in his hands, carefully, watching Steve regardless of whether he's looking at Bucky or not.]

You won't lose me. I know what it's like and I promise, I won't put you through that, too. I'm too fucking selfish - because I can't go through it again, either, okay? We're in this together. Like you said. We're here and we're gonna make the most of it - the fucking world can go fuck itself, for being so shitty to you. I won't ever add to it, and I'm promising you that, now.

His fingers slide back a little, so he can lace his hands behind Steve's neck and pull him in properly for a long, slow kiss, with lots of tongue.] And I don't wanna end this, anyway, [he says, lowly, when he finally lets them break for a little air.] Even when you use bad lines on me like that... it just kinda makes you cuter. I guess this is on me, for picking girls to date you who never appreciated that, huh?

[Steve doesn't answer. He just leans in close and returns the kiss as good as he got. He has to shift closer on the bed, both hands gripping Bucky's hips as he presses forward, into his new lover, and deepens the kiss. He's definitely a fast learner, there.

The desperation comes back quick into it. He's hungry and needy as he urges Bucky closer and barely breaks even for air. It's only when his lungs burn and a flash of drowning goes through his head that he finally retreats an inch, panting between them.]

I ain't never leaving you, Buck. The world's been shit to us both but the one good thing I have is you in my arms, here. I'm never letting that go. After everything... I'm not letting either of us go through that again. Even if you call me cute.

[He doesn't mind, really. Not when there's other things to do like pull up on Bucky's shirt to get it off. He's tired and hopes that comes across with his face. All he wants is to settle in bed with Bucky and fall asleep with him close.

It's all he wants every night. Which...]

Any chance you can just pilot from here? Then I can really never leave you.

[It is true - Steve's a fast learner, physically, even if he still uses terrible lines.

Actually, the fact that he does probably means there's no teaching him. Oh, well.

Besides, Bucky gets pulled under a little by the intensity of Steve's kiss. It's just one more way that kissing Steve is nothing like kissing the girls he'd used to date - sure, he hadn't dated doormats, but Steve kisses desperately and possessively and aggressively, and it's new and different and just so fucking Steve.]

You are cute, [he puts in, teasing, but,] Then it's a deal. Nobody goes through that shit again.

[After all, there's a part of him that curls up, warm and satisfied and hopeful, when Steve promises the same.

Bucky shifts as soon as Steve starts tugging his shirt up, lifting his arms so Steve can pull it off before his own hands sink to the hem of Steve's to return the favor. If they're going to share a bed, it is definitely preferable to do it with as few layers as possible, so they don't roast.]

Don't think that's how it works, pal, [he chuckles softly, but then he seems to pick up on what Steve's really saying, because,] You don't have a pilot on the Bishop, do you?

[Bucky knows. Bucky always just knows. Steve turns toward him, eyes so shiny with grateful tears. Steve kisses him again, this time tenderly. It's an unspoken 'thanks' for his friend just being him. For knowing Steve and caring for him. He'd taken it for granted until it was gone but now he'd never do so ever again.

His thumb trails Bucky's stubble-y cheek as Steve takes him in from top to bottom. His free hand presses to Bucky's bare chest, feeling the strong beat of his stubborn heart. He's warm. So warm, now. Steve never wants to move from here again.]

They don't. We don't. [Steve is asking as he meets Bucky's eyes and leans in for another lingering kiss. Even this is starting to feel familiar, now. How strange that something so positive could.]

You can stay with me? We've bunked up before. I think we can even get the cabin expanded for two. If. I mean. You can get your own space, sure.

But I would like it if you were here, Buck. Sweetheart. [He nudges him at that tease.]

Just if you want to. I'm sure you got friends over on your ship.

Now you're just hamming it up, aren't you?

[Only the thing is... he knows Steve actually isn't. That when he says he'd like it if Bucky just moved in... he means it. And hell. How the fuck is he supposed to refuse that? Why would he even want to?

Part of him wonders if moving in on top of each other is gonna be the right move. But even though it probably wouldn't be smart with anyone else, Steve is different. This is different. Because every time he thinks about what Steve's asking, what it would mean - his heart jumps at the chance. He is so goddamned sick of living alone. It's just one more thing that makes the twenty-first century worse than the one that came before it.]

I do, [he points out, addressing the last bit first.] But they're not my sweetheart, [he nudges back] and he's on this ship, asking me to move in.

[He reaches up, just to bury one hand in the strands of Steve's short blonde hair, thumb resting gently against his temple. It's amazing how all the kisses, the touches, just feel like an extension of what they always did before - the nudges, the kicks. It feels natural, like they've always been doing this, even though it's also very new. It's a little like some weird double vision - the same kind he got after Azzano, when he kept looking at Steve and seeing the little guy layered on top of Captain America. But while it's weird, it's not bad. Not in the least.] Yeah, pal. I can stay with you.

[He glances at the bunk they're on, chuckling a little.] You think maybe we could just upgrade the bed?

[It's not like either of them has a lot of stuff, but they sure do take up every inch of the bunk, and then some.]

[Out of all the shit from today, this is the one good thing Steve now has to hold on to. He's smiling bright at Bucky's agreement and their silly pet names. But more than that he's smiling at having his best friend here with him all the time. Being able to share space with him and wake up beside him as he used to, long ago.

Just now so much better.

Steve leans into the touches, eyes closing to bask in being cared for. Even with the pain he still has in his chest, this is helping him. He reaches to bring Bucky's hand to his lips and kisses his palm gently.]

Let me get something for us to sleep in, doll.

[He doesn't have much and changes into a soft pair of shorts before throwing another pair over to Bucky and plopping down on the bed, clearly ready to watch.]

I think maybe a big bed might spoil us. What're we gonna do without one of us falling all over the other? Or knees in the other's spine?

[He's still grinning, thrilled.]

We can hang our shields on the wall. Hux gave me his with Millie's paw print on it. Not saying it's better than yours, but....

[Honestly, the fact that Steve's letting Bucky take care of him is huge. It's all Bucky ever wanted, and maybe if he'd known all it would take is some lip-locking to convince him...

He smiles a little softly to himself, but what's past is past. He wouldn't have thought of this before, and it's not worth spending the time now to regret it or think about how things could have been different. He has spent too much time on that already.

He catches the shorts; and when he catches Steve watching him like that, he just raises his eyebrows and slips off the bed to get changed. If Steve wants to watch? Then he can watch. Bucky doesn't exactly put on a show, but he isn't gonna be shy about dropping his pants, either. They've gotten changed in front of each other hundreds of times; Steve wanting to watch, as opposed to being completely uninterested, isn't gonna embarrass him. If he can give this to Steve? Then like everything else, he will - and gladly.

Besides. It's almost heartening to see Steve wanting to watch anybody bare some skin, in the same way it's heartening to see Steve so happy about this - to see Steve happy, and wanting something for himself. Taking it.

Of course, Bucky can't let that comment lie, so when he gets back in the bed, he makes sure to do it taking up as absolutely much space as he can, elbowing and kneeing Steve on his way in.] Oh, that's what you like? That's what turns you on? I always knew you were weird, pal. I guess this is just confirmation.

[Finally, though, he finds a spot to settle down in.] Ours. That shield is ours, and I don't care how many more you got. [Although,] I still always felt more comfortable with a rifle in my hands. But all SHIELD'll really let me carry on the regular is a pistol. Cap's not really the guy who's supposed to fight with a firearm.

[Steve can't help but laugh as Bucky smacks into him, trying to lay down. When he's finally settled, he grabs the blanket and pulls it just up to their hips. No need for more when you're a heater. Still, Steve turns into Bucky and wraps an arm around him. Not quite like how it was in New York, but it's not bad. Steve woulda probably liked this more, frankly.]

You're still the best shot I know. Incredible. SHIELD should just let you do what you're good at. Shooting and some mean punches.

[Steve exhales and closes his eyes, tucking his head under Bucky's jaw.]

Winter looked like he wanted to sock me one. If that made any of this shit make sense, I'd let him.

[He trails a star over Bucky's heart with the tip of his finger as he thinks. Steve's face is pinched and unhappy as he does so.]

He was saying how I was treating him like a ghost. How I expected too much and he wasn't enough.

[He tilts his head to look up at Bucky.]

He could be right.

[Bucky lets Steve figure out where he wants to be and settles around him, throwing an arm over Steve in return, tucking his other one out of the way under his head atop the pillow. It's definitely more intimate than they used to sleep, but more because of the intent than the position, really.

He smiles a bit, pleased at the compliment, but,] That ain't what Cap is for. He carries a shield for a reason.

[And really, in the end... it's not so hard. Bucky knows, can certainly admit to himself, freely, that all he's ever wanted to do is put himself between the world and Steve. So really... it hadn't been so hard to pick up the shield and do the same for others, even if maybe it hadn't come as naturally to him as it does to Steve. All he'd had to do was picture Steve doing it, and do his best to step into those shoes.

He lets out a breath when Steve goes on; lets Steve touch him absently, though he shifts enough to hook one ankle around Steve's, under the blanket.] Yeah, I'm sure you would've.

[When Steve looks up at him, Bucky's looking down, concern and maybe even a little anger clear in his eyes.] How else are you supposed to treat him? He's your goddamned best friend - and what I don't get is how he thinks anything could possibly change that. Either of them -

[He huffs out a pained sound, thinking of his Steve, too.] All of them. Christ, Steve. I know we don't know what they've been through. But - [They're offering them a fucking home to come back to, and it feels like every one of 'em is turning away without even trying. And it hurts. It's no wonder Steve, here and now, needs him so badly; Bucky's arm tightens around him, and he shifts to press a slow, deep kiss to Steve's lips.

If there's anything left of Bucky Barnes in those men... then they'll know that their world ought to revolve around Steve Rogers. And if they don't... Then maybe Bucky is expecting too much of them, too.] When you've got nothing left of who you used to be... maybe you really aren't the same person, anymore.

[Steve reminds himself that, of course, Bucky is in the same place as him. He exhales into the kiss and chases after it to get a second one. It's surprising how comforting that little splash of affection is. Already this evening he's kissed more than he has his whole life combined. But these are just sweet. An expression that the other man is there. Steve's arms tighten and he tangles their legs like he once had, many years ago.]

Maybe that's the trick? Maybe...we both need to stop seeing our friend. Maybe they really did just... Die.

[He exhales shakily and shifts so that he presses his ear to the pulse of Bucky's neck. Steve's hand strokes up and down the warm skin, feeling. Just feeling Bucky in all the way he's still the same and all the ways he's different.]

I don't know what to do. Should I just pretend he's someone new? Forget everything we shared, before? I seem to be the only one remembering it anyway. Except for you.

[A small kiss pecks at Bucky's neck before Steve settles close again.]

I wish I just knew what to do. I don't care if he's different. Just as long as he's still Bucky, somewhere in there....

[Steve can have as many kisses as he wants - a second, a third, a hundredth. They're not passionate so much as comforting - and honestly, that's a little new for Bucky, too. He'd never really sought comfort in his dates before - hadn't needed to. They'd been for fun, before the war, or maybe for desperation, some semblance of normalcy, during. But not comfort. It feels good, and right, to be taking and giving that now, especially as Steve speaks, and Bucky has to let out a slow breath and admit,] Maybe you're right. [His voice is soft and unhappy, but also decisive, like he's realizing exactly that, and accepting it.] Maybe that's what we need to do.

[His fingers curl against Steve's bare skin.] You are your memories, right? If they wanna be someone new... then we let 'em be someone new. But I know who I fucking am, and it's Bucky Barnes. The guy too stupid not to follow this other guy, who was too stupid to run away from a fight.

[He nudges into Steve's hairline with his nose, inhaling slowly, then exhaling.] I dunno what to tell you to do, [he admits.] I wish I did. Maybe... maybe we gotta do what they want. And not what we want. Or what we think they want.

[If he's learned anything, it's that that last one is important. What you think someone wants and what they actually want might be different.]

I want to stay here. With you. I want to be your best friend. I want my best friend back.

[Bucky is right. Of course he is. He was always the intuitive one when it came to other people. Steve closes his eyes and imagines a world where he looks at Bucky and calls him Winter. Where the memories he keeps belong to him alone.

Where another Bucky skirts around him, never quite comfortable enough to calm down. And another curls around him in bed.

Maybe with that last one... Maybe he'll be okay in the end.]

You want your best friend back?

[He's had enough time being grieved. And Lord knows he's not over it, but he has Bucky in his bed. Bucky who remembers their life together and who wants to stay at his side as badly as Steve wants to stay at his. It might not be his Bucky, but it's the one he's wanted back since he ran off as a one-man army. It's time to enjoy that.

Steve turns his body and pushes Bucky into the mattress, blanketing him with dead weight.]

So I guess all this lip-lockin' should stop, huh? Maybe I should also kick ya on to the floor, hm? Kick you in your sleep?

[It's almost like Steve's flipped a switch - but then, that's not unfamiliar, either. Whenever Steve's made up his mind... he's made it up, and he doesn't look back.

And really, Bucky doesn't blame him. They're at an impasse with the Winter Soldiers, and it's not a pleasant one.

Here and now, Bucky lets out an exaggerated oof when Steve flops on top of him, though he lets Steve do it, cocking an eyebrow up at the guy who's suddenly pinning him down like a log.]

You already kick in your sleep. And if you want to boot me onto the floor, you might've made the wrong move, here.

[He shifts, folding his other arm behind his head, too, and worming his feet around, twining both ankles with Steve's so that he's got his feet pinned under Bucky's, beneath the blanket.

[Steve laughs warm and low. Trapped, he just lays his head down on Bucky's chest, and relaxes.]

You're such a jerk.

[There is no aggression in that. Just the glowing tone of a man charmed. He still pinches Bucky's side but the effect is ruined when he kisses the wound a second later.

Steve rolls his head, looking up at Bucky with love in his eyes. He huffs out some air, thinking about something, clearly. You can almost smell the wood burning.]

Seriously [He decides on eventually.] Thank you for coming here, Buck. I know you're hurting just like me, so whatever you need, I'm gonna give it to you. Alright, pal?

[He shifts up, managing to kiss Bucky's chin before settling down again. Another kiss gets pressed to his solar plexus.]

At the end of the day you're my jerk.

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