[Only the thing is... he knows Steve actually isn't. That when he
says he'd like it if Bucky just moved in... he means it. And hell. How the
fuck is he supposed to refuse that? Why would he even want to?
Part of him wonders if moving in on top of each other is gonna be
the right move. But even though it probably wouldn't be smart with anyone
else, Steve is different. This is different. Because every time he thinks
about what Steve's asking, what it would mean - his heart jumps at the
chance. He is so goddamned sick of living alone. It's just one more
thing that makes the twenty-first century worse than the one that came
before it.]
I do, [he points out, addressing the last bit first.] But
they're not my sweetheart, [he nudges back] and he's on this
ship, asking me to move in.
[He reaches up, just to bury one hand in the strands of Steve's
short blonde hair, thumb resting gently against his temple. It's amazing
how all the kisses, the touches, just feel like an extension of what they
always did before - the nudges, the kicks. It feels natural, like they've
always been doing this, even though it's also very new. It's a little like
some weird double vision - the same kind he got after Azzano, when he kept
looking at Steve and seeing the little guy layered on top of Captain
America. But while it's weird, it's not bad. Not in the least.]
Yeah, pal. I can stay with you.
[He glances at the bunk they're on, chuckling a little.] You
think maybe we could just upgrade the bed?
[It's not like either of them has a lot of stuff, but they
sure do take up every inch of the bunk, and then some.]
[Out of all the shit from today, this is the one good thing Steve now has to hold on to. He's smiling bright at Bucky's agreement and their silly pet names. But more than that he's smiling at having his best friend here with him all the time. Being able to share space with him and wake up beside him as he used to, long ago.
Just now so much better.
Steve leans into the touches, eyes closing to bask in being cared for. Even with the pain he still has in his chest, this is helping him. He reaches to bring Bucky's hand to his lips and kisses his palm gently.]
Let me get something for us to sleep in, doll.
[He doesn't have much and changes into a soft pair of shorts before throwing another pair over to Bucky and plopping down on the bed, clearly ready to watch.]
I think maybe a big bed might spoil us. What're we gonna do without one of us falling all over the other? Or knees in the other's spine?
[He's still grinning, thrilled.]
We can hang our shields on the wall. Hux gave me his with Millie's paw print on it. Not saying it's better than yours, but....
[Honestly, the fact that Steve's letting Bucky take care of
him is huge. It's all Bucky ever wanted, and maybe if he'd known all it
would take is some lip-locking to convince him...
He smiles a little softly to himself, but what's past is past. He
wouldn't have thought of this before, and it's not worth spending the time
now to regret it or think about how things could have been different. He
has spent too much time on that already.
He catches the shorts; and when he catches Steve watching him like
that, he just raises his eyebrows and slips off the bed to get changed. If
Steve wants to watch? Then he can watch. Bucky doesn't exactly put on a
show, but he isn't gonna be shy about dropping his pants, either. They've
gotten changed in front of each other hundreds of times; Steve wanting to
watch, as opposed to being completely uninterested, isn't gonna embarrass
him. If he can give this to Steve? Then like everything else, he will - and
gladly.
Besides. It's almost heartening to see Steve wanting to watch
anybody bare some skin, in the same way it's heartening to see Steve so
happy about this - to see Steve happy, and wanting something for himself.
Taking it.
Of course, Bucky can't let that comment lie, so when he gets back in
the bed, he makes sure to do it taking up as absolutely much space as he
can, elbowing and kneeing Steve on his way in.] Oh, that's what you
like? That's what turns you on? I always knew you were weird, pal. I guess
this is just confirmation.
[Finally, though, he finds a spot to settle down in.] Ours.
That shield is ours, and I don't care how many more you got.
[Although,] I still always felt more comfortable with a
rifle in my hands. But all SHIELD'll really let me carry on the regular is
a pistol. Cap's not really the guy who's supposed to fight with a firearm.
[Steve can't help but laugh as Bucky smacks into him, trying to lay down. When he's finally settled, he grabs the blanket and pulls it just up to their hips. No need for more when you're a heater. Still, Steve turns into Bucky and wraps an arm around him. Not quite like how it was in New York, but it's not bad. Steve woulda probably liked this more, frankly.]
You're still the best shot I know. Incredible. SHIELD should just let you do what you're good at. Shooting and some mean punches.
[Steve exhales and closes his eyes, tucking his head under Bucky's jaw.]
Winter looked like he wanted to sock me one. If that made any of this shit make sense, I'd let him.
[He trails a star over Bucky's heart with the tip of his finger as he thinks. Steve's face is pinched and unhappy as he does so.]
He was saying how I was treating him like a ghost. How I expected too much and he wasn't enough.
[Bucky lets Steve figure out where he wants to be and settles around
him, throwing an arm over Steve in return, tucking his other one out of the
way under his head atop the pillow. It's definitely more intimate than they
used to sleep, but more because of the intent than the position, really.
He smiles a bit, pleased at the compliment, but,] That ain't
what Cap is for. He carries a shield for a reason.
[And really, in the end... it's not so hard. Bucky knows, can
certainly admit to himself, freely, that all he's ever wanted to do is put
himself between the world and Steve. So really... it hadn't been so hard to
pick up the shield and do the same for others, even if maybe it hadn't come
as naturally to him as it does to Steve. All he'd had to do was picture
Steve doing it, and do his best to step into those shoes.
He lets out a breath when Steve goes on; lets Steve touch him
absently, though he shifts enough to hook one ankle around Steve's, under
the blanket.] Yeah, I'm sure you would've.
[When Steve looks up at him, Bucky's looking down, concern and maybe
even a little anger clear in his eyes.] How else are you supposed
to treat him? He's your goddamned best friend - and what I don't get
is how he thinks anything could possibly change that. Either of them -
[He huffs out a pained sound, thinking of his Steve, too.]
All of them. Christ, Steve. I know we don't know what they've been through.
But - [They're offering them a fucking home to come back to, and it
feels like every one of 'em is turning away without even trying. And it
hurts. It's no wonder Steve, here and now, needs him so badly; Bucky's arm
tightens around him, and he shifts to press a slow, deep kiss to Steve's
lips.
If there's anything left of Bucky Barnes in those men... then
they'll know that their world ought to revolve around Steve Rogers. And if
they don't... Then maybe Bucky is expecting too much of them, too.]
When you've got nothing left of who you used to be... maybe you really
aren't the same person, anymore.
[Steve reminds himself that, of course, Bucky is in the same place as him. He exhales into the kiss and chases after it to get a second one. It's surprising how comforting that little splash of affection is. Already this evening he's kissed more than he has his whole life combined. But these are just sweet. An expression that the other man is there. Steve's arms tighten and he tangles their legs like he once had, many years ago.]
Maybe that's the trick? Maybe...we both need to stop seeing our friend. Maybe they really did just... Die.
[He exhales shakily and shifts so that he presses his ear to the pulse of Bucky's neck. Steve's hand strokes up and down the warm skin, feeling. Just feeling Bucky in all the way he's still the same and all the ways he's different.]
I don't know what to do. Should I just pretend he's someone new? Forget everything we shared, before? I seem to be the only one remembering it anyway. Except for you.
[A small kiss pecks at Bucky's neck before Steve settles close again.]
I wish I just knew what to do. I don't care if he's different. Just as long as he's still Bucky, somewhere in there....
[Steve can have as many kisses as he wants - a second, a third, a
hundredth. They're not passionate so much as comforting - and honestly,
that's a little new for Bucky, too. He'd never really sought comfort in his
dates before - hadn't needed to. They'd been for fun, before the war, or
maybe for desperation, some semblance of normalcy, during. But not comfort.
It feels good, and right, to be taking and giving that now, especially as
Steve speaks, and Bucky has to let out a slow breath and admit,]
Maybe you're right. [His voice is soft and unhappy, but also
decisive, like he's realizing exactly that, and accepting it.]
Maybe that's what we need to do.
[His fingers curl against Steve's bare skin.] You are your
memories, right? If they wanna be someone new... then we let 'em be someone
new. But I know who I fucking am, and it's Bucky Barnes. The guy too stupid
not to follow this other guy, who was too stupid to run away from a fight.
[He nudges into Steve's hairline with his nose, inhaling slowly,
then exhaling.] I dunno what to tell you to do, [he
admits.] I wish I did. Maybe... maybe we gotta do what they want.
And not what we want. Or what we think they want.
[If he's learned anything, it's that that last one is important.
What you think someone wants and what they actually want might be
different.]
I want to stay here. With you. I want to be your best friend. I want my
best friend back.
[Bucky is right. Of course he is. He was always the intuitive one when it came to other people. Steve closes his eyes and imagines a world where he looks at Bucky and calls him Winter. Where the memories he keeps belong to him alone.
Where another Bucky skirts around him, never quite comfortable enough to calm down. And another curls around him in bed.
Maybe with that last one... Maybe he'll be okay in the end.]
You want your best friend back?
[He's had enough time being grieved. And Lord knows he's not over it, but he has Bucky in his bed. Bucky who remembers their life together and who wants to stay at his side as badly as Steve wants to stay at his. It might not be his Bucky, but it's the one he's wanted back since he ran off as a one-man army. It's time to enjoy that.
Steve turns his body and pushes Bucky into the mattress, blanketing him with dead weight.]
So I guess all this lip-lockin' should stop, huh? Maybe I should also kick ya on to the floor, hm? Kick you in your sleep?
[It's almost like Steve's flipped a switch - but then, that's not
unfamiliar, either. Whenever Steve's made up his mind... he's made it up,
and he doesn't look back.
And really, Bucky doesn't blame him. They're at an impasse with the
Winter Soldiers, and it's not a pleasant one.
Here and now, Bucky lets out an exaggerated oof when Steve
flops on top of him, though he lets Steve do it, cocking an eyebrow up at
the guy who's suddenly pinning him down like a log.]
You already kick in your sleep. And if you want to boot me onto the floor,
you might've made the wrong move, here.
[He shifts, folding his other arm behind his head, too, and worming
his feet around, twining both ankles with Steve's so that he's got his feet
pinned under Bucky's, beneath the blanket.
[Steve laughs warm and low. Trapped, he just lays his head down on Bucky's chest, and relaxes.]
You're such a jerk.
[There is no aggression in that. Just the glowing tone of a man charmed. He still pinches Bucky's side but the effect is ruined when he kisses the wound a second later.
Steve rolls his head, looking up at Bucky with love in his eyes. He huffs out some air, thinking about something, clearly. You can almost smell the wood burning.]
Seriously [He decides on eventually.] Thank you for coming here, Buck. I know you're hurting just like me, so whatever you need, I'm gonna give it to you. Alright, pal?
[He shifts up, managing to kiss Bucky's chin before settling down again. Another kiss gets pressed to his solar plexus.]
[Bucky just hums, quietly, though eventually one arm comes back out from under his head to ruffle Steve's hair; his fingers stay buried in the short strands, just cradling the back of his head while Bucky's silent a moment, chest rising and falling.]
Honestly... just this is fine, [he says, thumb stroking absently against Steve's scalp.] Taking care of you is what I want to do, even if it makes me want to punch a couple of guys with my own face.
[But the thing is, even Bucky's Steve won't accept his help. And in a world where Steve doesn't want or need help, then what does Bucky Barnes even have left?
It's a question he hasn't been able to answer for two years. Maybe longer.]
Just - be Steve. Be my stupid, dumbass Steve, [he says, quietly. He feels almost ashamed, admitting it. But that's what he needs.] I missed you.
[Steve is quiet, just looking up at Bucky with eyes that say he hung the moon. Gently, he pushes up to his hands, looming over Bucky to kiss him soundly. There's no better way to reply because it's too soon to start saying the sort of emotional declarations he feels he needs to. But this kiss should say it all for him.
'Anything for you,' it screams. 'I'll burn the world if I need to. Anything for you.']
That your version of sweet talk? Call me a dumbass?
[He silences a response with another hard kiss, resting against Bucky this time. He strokes against his cheek and up into his hair. There's a million ways that he can kiss his friend and he wants to learn every single one.]
I missed you, too. More than I can fucking say, Buck. I missed you like a plug got pulled out inside me. Everything just draining away.
[He smiles as he looks at Bucky, though, smothering a laugh.]
How did it take us this long to figure out we had it bad?
[Yeah, Bucky can read you loud and clear, pal. And maybe it's no different than what he might have expected, deep down, but it still blows him away a little, leaves him feeling breathless, unbalanced, but if those things were good. Really, really good.
His fingers are still in Steve's hair; they tighten as Steve leans in for a second kiss, while the other hand finally worms its way out from behind his head to press against Steve's back. It's a weird position, to be under someone; and yet, it feels right in this way that Bucky just doesn't care to examine too closely. It doesn't matter why. It just is.
When Steve finally pulls away, Bucky's still reeling a little. He covers it up, gets himself back together by laughing softly, responding to the question Steve didn't let him answer with a teasing,] It's the only kinda language I'm pretty sure you understand.
[His fingers curl tighter in Steve's hair at those words, though - the raw, open, honest ones that pretty much perfectly describe how Bucky felt for a long, long time, between the mission on the train and finding Steve here. It was like he was fading by the day, disappearing into Captain America, because that was all he had left, and it had never even been his.
But he doesn't quite feel that way anymore. Steve's an idiot, but he's made his point about that, more than once.
And even though Bucky laughs, too, he has to admit, seriously,] I think... I couldn't see it when I had you. Before. You were just - always there. [And Bucky had done his best to prepare himself, ever since the day they'd met, for the time Steve got too sick, got knocked down too hard to get back up again.
He'd just never dreamed it would happen after Steve turned into a big, healthy, powerful guy. Shoulda known. That's fate, and she's a bitch.]
Like I said before. It was just - normal. I thought it was normal. I'm a fuckin' dumbass, too, I know.
[He'd loved Steve as fiercely as family. And that's what he'd thought it was. He really is an idiot.]
[Steve understands that. He flops over onto his side and curls around Bucky again. This time his head is propped up on his hand and elbow allowing him to look at his friend as he talks. His other hand is still brushing dark strands out of blue eyes. God, he will never get enough of the simple, silly things like this. He'll just never get enough of Bucky.]
In Calibrations, I had a memory of you locked up. My sixteenth birthday when we were sitting on the roof watching fireworks.
[He remembers it so well. Remembers looking at his friend and thinking about how lucky he was to have him by his side. Bucky could have been on dates, that night. He could have been having run with boys that weren't wrapped in a blanket in the middle of the summer thanks to an unseasonal cold. But he was there. Right there with him.]
I think...that mighta been the first time I wanted to kiss you. [He holds his hand up against any questions.] I don't know for sure. It's hard because I never... consciously thought about you like that. You were my brother.
But. Yeah. What I felt then and what I feel now is pretty similar. I think you had me on a string for awhile, pal.
[Bucky grins a little at the way Steve is practically doting on him, but it seems like after today, it's something he needs. So he lets him look and touch, and sneaks an arm under and around Steve in the meantime to rest against his lower back, slipping the other behind his own head again to prop it up, too.
He definitely remembers that birthday - it's clear from the look on his face. And yeah, he could've been anywhere, but he hadn't wanted to be anywhere but where he was - next to Steve.
Still, his eyebrows rise a little, at the confession. He'd had no idea... and he couldn't say he was thinking the same thing, necessarily, but,] That's how it is, [he confirms.] How it was - on the planet. When I wanted to - kiss you, [he says, lips curling into a soft smile.] You've been my brother for a long time. I never thought about wanting more, 'cause - you know we woulda gotten beaten or worse, if it'd ever even crossed our minds.
[He'd talked to Jim a little about this, during the wedding.] Maybe it's good it never really did, you know? Not until - well. Now. This.
[But Bucky is right. Queers were as good as dead in some places they grew up. Bars were raided and men pulled out to be arrested or set upon by furious on-lookers. Steve might have been reckless but he would never have signed his best friend up for a life of fear like that. Not when he so clearly could find a girl who would give him a safe, 'normal' life. He would have never been so selfish.
But now he is. Steve kisses the corner of Bucky's mouth, just because he can. His fingertips trail up and down the bicep Bucky's leaning his head on. It's such a luxury to touch someone like this. Such a pleasure to have a quiet moment where he can just be with someone who feels like.half of his very soul.]
I am sort of glad this happened here. No press to demand answers. No battles to fight. It's almost like being normal again, I guess. Except I need to pick a date for us that doesn't involve gel food.
[Steve relaxes back down, eyes unfocused.]
I can't approve of the Atroma kidnapping us. I just can't. But...the fact that they gave me this? Gave me you?
Yeah, that was the problem, [Bucky teases gently, though he means
it, too. Steve being afraid has never been the problem. It's always the
fact that he's not, and flings himself into trouble, that's more of a
concern. And Bucky can pretty easily imagine a queer Steve, now that
they're lying here like this, and he would have been both fearless and
unapologetic. Completely Steve... and completely stupid.
And if Bucky had realized any of this? He would've gone along with
it. He knows it - maybe he would have resisted at first, but Steve is a
force of nature, and that's why Bucky's always felt the way he has
about him. No - it's better that they never thought about this, that it's
only now a possibility as well as an option. Sometimes lost time is simply
worth the wait.
Besides - Steve's right.] God, [Bucky groans, rolling
his eyes.] The press. Fuck. That would've been worse than
any of this, they've got no fucking sense of decency or privacy -
[Which, yeah, okay. They're on fucking reality TV right now. But
it's different, somehow. They can't help it, or fight it. Not right now.
And maybe because it's so noninvasive, it's easier to ignore. That doesn't
make it better. Just - yeah. Easier to ignore.]
The Atroma're gonna get what they've got comin' to them, one of these days,
[Bucky murmurs softly, trailing fingers up and down Steve's spine,
wanting the other to feel as good as he does right now, wanting to remind
him that they're both here now, and that's what matters.] But not
until we figure out how to work the rules.
[Because he doesn't know what's going to happen, if - when - they're
faced with going home to separate worlds, someday. But he doesn't want to
think about it, either, so for once he takes a page fro Steve's book, and
lets it be in the hazy, distant future, to worry about later. A problem for
future Bucky, as the kids say. And in the meantime...]
Y'know, I could get used to somebody else planning the dates, [Bucky
chuckles, hopefully bringing things back to something more pleasant to talk
about.] But honestly, Rogers, if you've gotta feed me gel... at
least it'd come with one hell of a view.
[Outer space is pretty freaking cool, despite everything,
okay?] You think we should go dancing after? Or just punch each
other in the gym?
And here I thought you were talkin' about me being the incredible view.
[His voice is humming, relaxed and sated with the small touches to his back. He's had a rough day but being here with Bucky almost makes it all worthwhile. It reminds him of the times he was sick in bed with Bucky sitting next to him, reading or just talking. Or all the times he'd stumble in from work and collapse half on top of his friend in bed, just wanting to settle into the warmth and sleep. But this? It was better than all of that.
Steve traces words along Bucky's arm. 'Jerk', 'stupid', 'darling', 'baby doll'. His eyes stay shut as he hums in thought. Their legs are tangled up and Steve could spend the rest of his life in this bed.]
I dunno if I wanna fight you again. You play dirty. [He hums again.]
It could be fun, though. Maybe I could play a little dirtier now, too. Distract you a little. I have a whole new box of tools at my disposal; time for me to see what I can do with them all.
And then after...yeah. Come back here to some old songs? Might not be private but it's as good as we'll get.
Not on your life, [Bucky says - although then he gives Steve a good once-over, like a guy leering at a pinup poster, all exaggerated for effect and everything.
If he's honest... and hell, he guess he kind of has to be - Steve's not bad-looking. Never was, really, even if the inner fire had made up a lot of it, before, bleeding out the edges. Now... well. Bucky hadn't needed to consider doing what they're doing right now to see that Steve was pretty much the epitome of beauty. He coulda told anyone that, straight out of Azzano.
It's just... now he can admit it to himself, out loud, and enjoy it, and everything. Even if he's not about to admit it to Steve, who's already got a fat head.
He does settle a little, cocking one eyebrow at the way Steve is spelling out words on his arm. But it's sweet, and it's nice, and he definitely doesn't move to stop him; if anything, he brushes his fingertips just over the waist of Steve's shorts, not trying for anything more, but just... letting Steve know that yeah. Fine. He's a good view, too.]
'Course I play dirty, [he says.] I grew up in Brooklyn, weren't you paying attention? Honestly, fighting dirty's the best part of the job. No one ever expects it. [So maybe Bucky does enjoy, just a little, the looks on their faces when Captain America fights as dirty as dirty gets.]
Oh? What kinda tools are you thinking you can possibly use against me? I mean - don't get me wrong. Maybe I'd like to see you try.
[Although his expression softens as Steve goes on, because,] Yeah. I know it's as good as we'll get. I'll take it. I mean. [He huffs.] I guess you are the best thing to look at in this room, anyway. And I've gotta make sure you remember what I taught you, at the wedding. Maybe my feet'll survive unscathed, this time.
[What tools can he use against him? Oh. Pal. He has plenty of ideas. Steve flattens his hand on Bucky's stomach and trails it lightly up and down. Almost like petting. Always stopping before going too low or coming up past his heart. His eyes are dark as they look at Bucky but it's playful as much as it is heated. Steve leans up and brushes his lips against Bucky's, smiling.
And then settling back down.]
I think I have a few tools in my arsenal against you. I grew up in Brooklyn too. I may not have fought dirty for awhile, but I remember how it goes.
[Well, there is admittedly more to him to use than there used to be.
That touch is new... but weirdly, even though the look on his face sort of is, it also sort of isn't. Funny how on Steve, heat looks an awful lot like daring.
Well. Either that, or Bucky's been misreading a lot for a really long time. And maybe Steve didn't even realize it either. Who the fuck knows. It doesn't seem important now -
Although Bucky lets out a soft laugh and chases Steve's lips, nipping at the bottom one before settling back in place, too.] I'll believe that when I see it. Until then? I choose to believe you're bluffing.
[And Bucky, who may or may not also have a look that's both heated and daring, definitely curls his fingers into Steve's waistband, even if he doesn't tug at all.] We should go to sleep.
[Whether or not he actually means that is maybe up for debate.]
[Steve looks down at Bucky's hand and exhales slowly. He wants to. He really does. But there just isn't enough in him right now that will let him give into the moment. Besides, Steve hasn't really broached the whole 'virgin' topic with his lover yet. And the night where he's been thrown for this hard of a loop doesn't seem like the right time.
Still, he meets that heat with his own and kisses Bucky in a way that promises more. Perhaps that's unfair, but Steve is only human. And he wants Bucky. Just. Not tonight.]
We should sleep. [His agreement is pointed and apologetic even as he makes it mere breaths away from Bucky's lips.]
I need to figure out what to do with Winter. But first I really just need to... Be here. With you. [He settles down, his head against Bucky's chest.]
Maybe kiss you a little more. That seems to help a whole lot.
[Steve hasn't broached anything, but Bucky knows Steve. And truthfully, he's not disappointed in the least when Steve settles down a little and says they should sleep - honestly, after what Steve's been through? They should. It seems like - for once - Steve Rogers might actually be choosing the smarter path, and far be it for Bucky Barnes to stop him from doing it.]
We can talk about it tomorrow, [he says softly, sliding his hand back up and slinging his arm around Steve, chuckling softly.] He's not going anywhere, and neither am I. So whatever you need, Stevie.
[He nudges his nose into Steve's hairline, smiling, sort of letting himself believe he can do this, it's okay, it's what they both want.] Not exactly putting me out. You're even gettin' a little better at kissing, by now.
[Steve laughs a little, feeling Bucky nose along in his hair. He shifts and presses his lips against Bucky's before turning around and settling back into the bed. The lack of space is perfect, now. Gives him an excuse to shift closer against his friend.]
Shaddup. You coulda given me lessons back in the day. Just like dancing.
[He can't even fathom what he would have done had Bucky suggested it. The idea of what his face would have looked like makes him laugh again.]
I guess you can help tutor me, now. If you got the time.
Guess I really missed my chance, then, [Bucky hums, but - yeah. He
would never have suggested it. He... might have offered to give Steve
advice on how to compliment a girl, how to get her in the right mood, if it
had ever come up. But a demonstration? No, it never would have crossed his
mind.
Of course, Steve's little challenge makes him laugh, too.] I
guess it's probably worth my while. I can fit you in between public
speaking gigs and fighting aliens, huh?
[i.e., there really isn't a whole lot to do while drifting, so...
he's down with some lessons.] If you'll fit it into your busy
schedule. You've gotta practice this shit, or you'll get rusty.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-04-22 02:13 pm (UTC)Now you're just hamming it up, aren't you?
[Only the thing is... he knows Steve actually isn't. That when he says he'd like it if Bucky just moved in... he means it. And hell. How the fuck is he supposed to refuse that? Why would he even want to?
Part of him wonders if moving in on top of each other is gonna be the right move. But even though it probably wouldn't be smart with anyone else, Steve is different. This is different. Because every time he thinks about what Steve's asking, what it would mean - his heart jumps at the chance. He is so goddamned sick of living alone. It's just one more thing that makes the twenty-first century worse than the one that came before it.]
I do, [he points out, addressing the last bit first.] But they're not my sweetheart, [he nudges back] and he's on this ship, asking me to move in.
[He reaches up, just to bury one hand in the strands of Steve's short blonde hair, thumb resting gently against his temple. It's amazing how all the kisses, the touches, just feel like an extension of what they always did before - the nudges, the kicks. It feels natural, like they've always been doing this, even though it's also very new. It's a little like some weird double vision - the same kind he got after Azzano, when he kept looking at Steve and seeing the little guy layered on top of Captain America. But while it's weird, it's not bad. Not in the least.] Yeah, pal. I can stay with you.
[He glances at the bunk they're on, chuckling a little.] You think maybe we could just upgrade the bed?
[It's not like either of them has a lot of stuff, but they sure do take up every inch of the bunk, and then some.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-22 04:18 pm (UTC)Just now so much better.
Steve leans into the touches, eyes closing to bask in being cared for. Even with the pain he still has in his chest, this is helping him. He reaches to bring Bucky's hand to his lips and kisses his palm gently.]
Let me get something for us to sleep in, doll.
[He doesn't have much and changes into a soft pair of shorts before throwing another pair over to Bucky and plopping down on the bed, clearly ready to watch.]
I think maybe a big bed might spoil us. What're we gonna do without one of us falling all over the other? Or knees in the other's spine?
[He's still grinning, thrilled.]
We can hang our shields on the wall. Hux gave me his with Millie's paw print on it. Not saying it's better than yours, but....
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Date: 2019-04-22 04:37 pm (UTC)[Honestly, the fact that Steve's letting Bucky take care of him is huge. It's all Bucky ever wanted, and maybe if he'd known all it would take is some lip-locking to convince him...
He smiles a little softly to himself, but what's past is past. He wouldn't have thought of this before, and it's not worth spending the time now to regret it or think about how things could have been different. He has spent too much time on that already.
He catches the shorts; and when he catches Steve watching him like that, he just raises his eyebrows and slips off the bed to get changed. If Steve wants to watch? Then he can watch. Bucky doesn't exactly put on a show, but he isn't gonna be shy about dropping his pants, either. They've gotten changed in front of each other hundreds of times; Steve wanting to watch, as opposed to being completely uninterested, isn't gonna embarrass him. If he can give this to Steve? Then like everything else, he will - and gladly.
Besides. It's almost heartening to see Steve wanting to watch anybody bare some skin, in the same way it's heartening to see Steve so happy about this - to see Steve happy, and wanting something for himself. Taking it.
Of course, Bucky can't let that comment lie, so when he gets back in the bed, he makes sure to do it taking up as absolutely much space as he can, elbowing and kneeing Steve on his way in.] Oh, that's what you like? That's what turns you on? I always knew you were weird, pal. I guess this is just confirmation.
[Finally, though, he finds a spot to settle down in.] Ours. That shield is ours, and I don't care how many more you got. [Although,] I still always felt more comfortable with a rifle in my hands. But all SHIELD'll really let me carry on the regular is a pistol. Cap's not really the guy who's supposed to fight with a firearm.
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Date: 2019-04-22 05:09 pm (UTC)You're still the best shot I know. Incredible. SHIELD should just let you do what you're good at. Shooting and some mean punches.
[Steve exhales and closes his eyes, tucking his head under Bucky's jaw.]
Winter looked like he wanted to sock me one. If that made any of this shit make sense, I'd let him.
[He trails a star over Bucky's heart with the tip of his finger as he thinks. Steve's face is pinched and unhappy as he does so.]
He was saying how I was treating him like a ghost. How I expected too much and he wasn't enough.
[He tilts his head to look up at Bucky.]
He could be right.
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Date: 2019-04-22 06:09 pm (UTC)[Bucky lets Steve figure out where he wants to be and settles around him, throwing an arm over Steve in return, tucking his other one out of the way under his head atop the pillow. It's definitely more intimate than they used to sleep, but more because of the intent than the position, really.
He smiles a bit, pleased at the compliment, but,] That ain't what Cap is for. He carries a shield for a reason.
[And really, in the end... it's not so hard. Bucky knows, can certainly admit to himself, freely, that all he's ever wanted to do is put himself between the world and Steve. So really... it hadn't been so hard to pick up the shield and do the same for others, even if maybe it hadn't come as naturally to him as it does to Steve. All he'd had to do was picture Steve doing it, and do his best to step into those shoes.
He lets out a breath when Steve goes on; lets Steve touch him absently, though he shifts enough to hook one ankle around Steve's, under the blanket.] Yeah, I'm sure you would've.
[When Steve looks up at him, Bucky's looking down, concern and maybe even a little anger clear in his eyes.] How else are you supposed to treat him? He's your goddamned best friend - and what I don't get is how he thinks anything could possibly change that. Either of them -
[He huffs out a pained sound, thinking of his Steve, too.] All of them. Christ, Steve. I know we don't know what they've been through. But - [They're offering them a fucking home to come back to, and it feels like every one of 'em is turning away without even trying. And it hurts. It's no wonder Steve, here and now, needs him so badly; Bucky's arm tightens around him, and he shifts to press a slow, deep kiss to Steve's lips.
If there's anything left of Bucky Barnes in those men... then they'll know that their world ought to revolve around Steve Rogers. And if they don't... Then maybe Bucky is expecting too much of them, too.] When you've got nothing left of who you used to be... maybe you really aren't the same person, anymore.
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Date: 2019-04-22 07:50 pm (UTC)Maybe that's the trick? Maybe...we both need to stop seeing our friend. Maybe they really did just... Die.
[He exhales shakily and shifts so that he presses his ear to the pulse of Bucky's neck. Steve's hand strokes up and down the warm skin, feeling. Just feeling Bucky in all the way he's still the same and all the ways he's different.]
I don't know what to do. Should I just pretend he's someone new? Forget everything we shared, before? I seem to be the only one remembering it anyway. Except for you.
[A small kiss pecks at Bucky's neck before Steve settles close again.]
I wish I just knew what to do. I don't care if he's different. Just as long as he's still Bucky, somewhere in there....
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Date: 2019-04-22 08:23 pm (UTC)[Steve can have as many kisses as he wants - a second, a third, a hundredth. They're not passionate so much as comforting - and honestly, that's a little new for Bucky, too. He'd never really sought comfort in his dates before - hadn't needed to. They'd been for fun, before the war, or maybe for desperation, some semblance of normalcy, during. But not comfort. It feels good, and right, to be taking and giving that now, especially as Steve speaks, and Bucky has to let out a slow breath and admit,] Maybe you're right. [His voice is soft and unhappy, but also decisive, like he's realizing exactly that, and accepting it.] Maybe that's what we need to do.
[His fingers curl against Steve's bare skin.] You are your memories, right? If they wanna be someone new... then we let 'em be someone new. But I know who I fucking am, and it's Bucky Barnes. The guy too stupid not to follow this other guy, who was too stupid to run away from a fight.
[He nudges into Steve's hairline with his nose, inhaling slowly, then exhaling.] I dunno what to tell you to do, [he admits.] I wish I did. Maybe... maybe we gotta do what they want. And not what we want. Or what we think they want.
[If he's learned anything, it's that that last one is important. What you think someone wants and what they actually want might be different.]
I want to stay here. With you. I want to be your best friend. I want my best friend back.
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Date: 2019-04-22 08:37 pm (UTC)Where another Bucky skirts around him, never quite comfortable enough to calm down. And another curls around him in bed.
Maybe with that last one... Maybe he'll be okay in the end.]
You want your best friend back?
[He's had enough time being grieved. And Lord knows he's not over it, but he has Bucky in his bed. Bucky who remembers their life together and who wants to stay at his side as badly as Steve wants to stay at his. It might not be his Bucky, but it's the one he's wanted back since he ran off as a one-man army. It's time to enjoy that.
Steve turns his body and pushes Bucky into the mattress, blanketing him with dead weight.]
So I guess all this lip-lockin' should stop, huh? Maybe I should also kick ya on to the floor, hm? Kick you in your sleep?
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Date: 2019-04-22 08:55 pm (UTC)[It's almost like Steve's flipped a switch - but then, that's not unfamiliar, either. Whenever Steve's made up his mind... he's made it up, and he doesn't look back.
And really, Bucky doesn't blame him. They're at an impasse with the Winter Soldiers, and it's not a pleasant one.
Here and now, Bucky lets out an exaggerated oof when Steve flops on top of him, though he lets Steve do it, cocking an eyebrow up at the guy who's suddenly pinning him down like a log.]
You already kick in your sleep. And if you want to boot me onto the floor, you might've made the wrong move, here.
[He shifts, folding his other arm behind his head, too, and worming his feet around, twining both ankles with Steve's so that he's got his feet pinned under Bucky's, beneath the blanket.
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Date: 2019-04-22 10:07 pm (UTC)You're such a jerk.
[There is no aggression in that. Just the glowing tone of a man charmed. He still pinches Bucky's side but the effect is ruined when he kisses the wound a second later.
Steve rolls his head, looking up at Bucky with love in his eyes. He huffs out some air, thinking about something, clearly. You can almost smell the wood burning.]
Seriously [He decides on eventually.] Thank you for coming here, Buck. I know you're hurting just like me, so whatever you need, I'm gonna give it to you. Alright, pal?
[He shifts up, managing to kiss Bucky's chin before settling down again. Another kiss gets pressed to his solar plexus.]
At the end of the day you're my jerk.
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Date: 2019-04-22 10:28 pm (UTC)Honestly... just this is fine, [he says, thumb stroking absently against Steve's scalp.] Taking care of you is what I want to do, even if it makes me want to punch a couple of guys with my own face.
[But the thing is, even Bucky's Steve won't accept his help. And in a world where Steve doesn't want or need help, then what does Bucky Barnes even have left?
It's a question he hasn't been able to answer for two years. Maybe longer.]
Just - be Steve. Be my stupid, dumbass Steve, [he says, quietly. He feels almost ashamed, admitting it. But that's what he needs.] I missed you.
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Date: 2019-04-23 12:32 am (UTC)'Anything for you,' it screams. 'I'll burn the world if I need to. Anything for you.']
That your version of sweet talk? Call me a dumbass?
[He silences a response with another hard kiss, resting against Bucky this time. He strokes against his cheek and up into his hair. There's a million ways that he can kiss his friend and he wants to learn every single one.]
I missed you, too. More than I can fucking say, Buck. I missed you like a plug got pulled out inside me. Everything just draining away.
[He smiles as he looks at Bucky, though, smothering a laugh.]
How did it take us this long to figure out we had it bad?
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Date: 2019-04-23 01:32 am (UTC)His fingers are still in Steve's hair; they tighten as Steve leans in for a second kiss, while the other hand finally worms its way out from behind his head to press against Steve's back. It's a weird position, to be under someone; and yet, it feels right in this way that Bucky just doesn't care to examine too closely. It doesn't matter why. It just is.
When Steve finally pulls away, Bucky's still reeling a little. He covers it up, gets himself back together by laughing softly, responding to the question Steve didn't let him answer with a teasing,] It's the only kinda language I'm pretty sure you understand.
[His fingers curl tighter in Steve's hair at those words, though - the raw, open, honest ones that pretty much perfectly describe how Bucky felt for a long, long time, between the mission on the train and finding Steve here. It was like he was fading by the day, disappearing into Captain America, because that was all he had left, and it had never even been his.
But he doesn't quite feel that way anymore. Steve's an idiot, but he's made his point about that, more than once.
And even though Bucky laughs, too, he has to admit, seriously,] I think... I couldn't see it when I had you. Before. You were just - always there. [And Bucky had done his best to prepare himself, ever since the day they'd met, for the time Steve got too sick, got knocked down too hard to get back up again.
He'd just never dreamed it would happen after Steve turned into a big, healthy, powerful guy. Shoulda known. That's fate, and she's a bitch.]
Like I said before. It was just - normal. I thought it was normal. I'm a fuckin' dumbass, too, I know.
[He'd loved Steve as fiercely as family. And that's what he'd thought it was. He really is an idiot.]
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Date: 2019-04-23 02:26 am (UTC)In Calibrations, I had a memory of you locked up. My sixteenth birthday when we were sitting on the roof watching fireworks.
[He remembers it so well. Remembers looking at his friend and thinking about how lucky he was to have him by his side. Bucky could have been on dates, that night. He could have been having run with boys that weren't wrapped in a blanket in the middle of the summer thanks to an unseasonal cold. But he was there. Right there with him.]
I think...that mighta been the first time I wanted to kiss you. [He holds his hand up against any questions.] I don't know for sure. It's hard because I never... consciously thought about you like that. You were my brother.
But. Yeah. What I felt then and what I feel now is pretty similar. I think you had me on a string for awhile, pal.
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Date: 2019-04-23 03:12 am (UTC)He definitely remembers that birthday - it's clear from the look on his face. And yeah, he could've been anywhere, but he hadn't wanted to be anywhere but where he was - next to Steve.
Still, his eyebrows rise a little, at the confession. He'd had no idea... and he couldn't say he was thinking the same thing, necessarily, but,] That's how it is, [he confirms.] How it was - on the planet. When I wanted to - kiss you, [he says, lips curling into a soft smile.] You've been my brother for a long time. I never thought about wanting more, 'cause - you know we woulda gotten beaten or worse, if it'd ever even crossed our minds.
[He'd talked to Jim a little about this, during the wedding.] Maybe it's good it never really did, you know? Not until - well. Now. This.
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Date: 2019-04-23 01:29 pm (UTC)[But Bucky is right. Queers were as good as dead in some places they grew up. Bars were raided and men pulled out to be arrested or set upon by furious on-lookers. Steve might have been reckless but he would never have signed his best friend up for a life of fear like that. Not when he so clearly could find a girl who would give him a safe, 'normal' life. He would have never been so selfish.
But now he is. Steve kisses the corner of Bucky's mouth, just because he can. His fingertips trail up and down the bicep Bucky's leaning his head on. It's such a luxury to touch someone like this. Such a pleasure to have a quiet moment where he can just be with someone who feels like.half of his very soul.]
I am sort of glad this happened here. No press to demand answers. No battles to fight. It's almost like being normal again, I guess. Except I need to pick a date for us that doesn't involve gel food.
[Steve relaxes back down, eyes unfocused.]
I can't approve of the Atroma kidnapping us. I just can't. But...the fact that they gave me this? Gave me you?
I can't regret it.
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Date: 2019-04-23 05:42 pm (UTC)Yeah, that was the problem, [Bucky teases gently, though he means it, too. Steve being afraid has never been the problem. It's always the fact that he's not, and flings himself into trouble, that's more of a concern. And Bucky can pretty easily imagine a queer Steve, now that they're lying here like this, and he would have been both fearless and unapologetic. Completely Steve... and completely stupid.
And if Bucky had realized any of this? He would've gone along with it. He knows it - maybe he would have resisted at first, but Steve is a force of nature, and that's why Bucky's always felt the way he has about him. No - it's better that they never thought about this, that it's only now a possibility as well as an option. Sometimes lost time is simply worth the wait.
Besides - Steve's right.] God, [Bucky groans, rolling his eyes.] The press. Fuck. That would've been worse than any of this, they've got no fucking sense of decency or privacy -
[Which, yeah, okay. They're on fucking reality TV right now. But it's different, somehow. They can't help it, or fight it. Not right now. And maybe because it's so noninvasive, it's easier to ignore. That doesn't make it better. Just - yeah. Easier to ignore.]
The Atroma're gonna get what they've got comin' to them, one of these days, [Bucky murmurs softly, trailing fingers up and down Steve's spine, wanting the other to feel as good as he does right now, wanting to remind him that they're both here now, and that's what matters.] But not until we figure out how to work the rules.
[Because he doesn't know what's going to happen, if - when - they're faced with going home to separate worlds, someday. But he doesn't want to think about it, either, so for once he takes a page fro Steve's book, and lets it be in the hazy, distant future, to worry about later. A problem for future Bucky, as the kids say. And in the meantime...]
Y'know, I could get used to somebody else planning the dates, [Bucky chuckles, hopefully bringing things back to something more pleasant to talk about.] But honestly, Rogers, if you've gotta feed me gel... at least it'd come with one hell of a view.
[Outer space is pretty freaking cool, despite everything, okay?] You think we should go dancing after? Or just punch each other in the gym?
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Date: 2019-04-24 12:00 pm (UTC)[His voice is humming, relaxed and sated with the small touches to his back. He's had a rough day but being here with Bucky almost makes it all worthwhile. It reminds him of the times he was sick in bed with Bucky sitting next to him, reading or just talking. Or all the times he'd stumble in from work and collapse half on top of his friend in bed, just wanting to settle into the warmth and sleep. But this? It was better than all of that.
Steve traces words along Bucky's arm. 'Jerk', 'stupid', 'darling', 'baby doll'. His eyes stay shut as he hums in thought. Their legs are tangled up and Steve could spend the rest of his life in this bed.]
I dunno if I wanna fight you again. You play dirty. [He hums again.]
It could be fun, though. Maybe I could play a little dirtier now, too. Distract you a little. I have a whole new box of tools at my disposal; time for me to see what I can do with them all.
And then after...yeah. Come back here to some old songs? Might not be private but it's as good as we'll get.
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Date: 2019-04-25 02:24 am (UTC)If he's honest... and hell, he guess he kind of has to be - Steve's not bad-looking. Never was, really, even if the inner fire had made up a lot of it, before, bleeding out the edges. Now... well. Bucky hadn't needed to consider doing what they're doing right now to see that Steve was pretty much the epitome of beauty. He coulda told anyone that, straight out of Azzano.
It's just... now he can admit it to himself, out loud, and enjoy it, and everything. Even if he's not about to admit it to Steve, who's already got a fat head.
He does settle a little, cocking one eyebrow at the way Steve is spelling out words on his arm. But it's sweet, and it's nice, and he definitely doesn't move to stop him; if anything, he brushes his fingertips just over the waist of Steve's shorts, not trying for anything more, but just... letting Steve know that yeah. Fine. He's a good view, too.]
'Course I play dirty, [he says.] I grew up in Brooklyn, weren't you paying attention? Honestly, fighting dirty's the best part of the job. No one ever expects it. [So maybe Bucky does enjoy, just a little, the looks on their faces when Captain America fights as dirty as dirty gets.]
Oh? What kinda tools are you thinking you can possibly use against me? I mean - don't get me wrong. Maybe I'd like to see you try.
[Although his expression softens as Steve goes on, because,] Yeah. I know it's as good as we'll get. I'll take it. I mean. [He huffs.] I guess you are the best thing to look at in this room, anyway. And I've gotta make sure you remember what I taught you, at the wedding. Maybe my feet'll survive unscathed, this time.
Short because Steve is a tease.
Date: 2019-04-25 11:04 pm (UTC)And then settling back down.]
I think I have a few tools in my arsenal against you. I grew up in Brooklyn too. I may not have fought dirty for awhile, but I remember how it goes.
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Date: 2019-04-30 02:35 am (UTC)That touch is new... but weirdly, even though the look on his face sort of is, it also sort of isn't. Funny how on Steve, heat looks an awful lot like daring.
Well. Either that, or Bucky's been misreading a lot for a really long time. And maybe Steve didn't even realize it either. Who the fuck knows. It doesn't seem important now -
Although Bucky lets out a soft laugh and chases Steve's lips, nipping at the bottom one before settling back in place, too.] I'll believe that when I see it. Until then? I choose to believe you're bluffing.
[And Bucky, who may or may not also have a look that's both heated and daring, definitely curls his fingers into Steve's waistband, even if he doesn't tug at all.] We should go to sleep.
[Whether or not he actually means that is maybe up for debate.]
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Date: 2019-05-04 02:45 am (UTC)Still, he meets that heat with his own and kisses Bucky in a way that promises more. Perhaps that's unfair, but Steve is only human. And he wants Bucky. Just. Not tonight.]
We should sleep. [His agreement is pointed and apologetic even as he makes it mere breaths away from Bucky's lips.]
I need to figure out what to do with Winter. But first I really just need to... Be here. With you. [He settles down, his head against Bucky's chest.]
Maybe kiss you a little more. That seems to help a whole lot.
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Date: 2019-05-04 06:24 pm (UTC)We can talk about it tomorrow, [he says softly, sliding his hand back up and slinging his arm around Steve, chuckling softly.] He's not going anywhere, and neither am I. So whatever you need, Stevie.
[He nudges his nose into Steve's hairline, smiling, sort of letting himself believe he can do this, it's okay, it's what they both want.] Not exactly putting me out. You're even gettin' a little better at kissing, by now.
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Date: 2019-05-07 12:30 am (UTC)Shaddup. You coulda given me lessons back in the day. Just like dancing.
[He can't even fathom what he would have done had Bucky suggested it. The idea of what his face would have looked like makes him laugh again.]
I guess you can help tutor me, now. If you got the time.
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Date: 2019-05-07 02:04 pm (UTC)Guess I really missed my chance, then, [Bucky hums, but - yeah. He would never have suggested it. He... might have offered to give Steve advice on how to compliment a girl, how to get her in the right mood, if it had ever come up. But a demonstration? No, it never would have crossed his mind.
Of course, Steve's little challenge makes him laugh, too.] I guess it's probably worth my while. I can fit you in between public speaking gigs and fighting aliens, huh?
[i.e., there really isn't a whole lot to do while drifting, so... he's down with some lessons.] If you'll fit it into your busy schedule. You've gotta practice this shit, or you'll get rusty.
Wrap!
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