brooklyn_boy | DRIFTFLEET IC INBOX

[Thanks to Bucky Steve looks like he got some sleep. He doesn't smile when he sees her though. Just plops down into the chair across from her and pulls the coffee close.]

Thanks.

How's Winter? I assume he told you everything.

[She'll push a dish of sugar and cream toward it, even though she's drinking her own black. Might as well give him the option.]

Some. He told me his side of things. [Her expression tightens slightly at the way Steve says that name. Winter.] He's fairly convinced he's fucked everything up with you.

He's also hurting.

[Seems like that probably makes two of them.]

[He glances up and then back down again.]

And he cares about that? How things are between us? Last thing he said was for me to fuck myself.

[He pours sugar into his coffee and stirs it. No indication he's actually going to drink it.]

I don't know what to do, Nat. Everything in me says that he is blaming himself for something someone else did.

He was violated. Used. And now he's just... Internalizing it? I don't know how to make myself see that as right.

[Natasha lifts her coffee, holding it in her hands like she's trying to warm them.]

Of course he cares. He lashed out. Winter... [Using that name, even though she rarely ever does. Normally she'd call him Barnes, or James in private. Might as well set a good example.] He's better than he was. In some ways much better, but there's no going back to how he was.

[She bites her lip briefly. Hesitating. She understands so well why Steve feels like that, and he's not wrong. Not in some respects. But she also knows why hearing it is more than Barnes can take.]

You know I was young when I went to Red Room. Too young. None of us were old enough to understand what was going on, and none of us had the power to make a choice to be there.

There was a memory the last time calibrations went around. One of mine. Me, killing other girls my age.

[Her voice is low, soft. It's hard to tell this story, exposing things she'd rather leave buried in Siberia, decades ago. But for James and for Steve, she tells the story.]

Agent Carter saw it, and after she said something—that she should have stopped Red Room in her time. Apparently she was familiar.

[She manages to sound wry on familiar.]

I know why she said it. And she's right. It probably would have been better if Red Room never existed, or if someone shut it down before I got there. Anyone would agree.

But in so many words she erased everything that's happened to me since then. Everything that made me who I am now. Gone like that.

But how do you let that erase everything before? I know him. Or...I thought I did. I don't need him to be Bucky. I just...need to know Bucky is still in there. All I keep hearing is that he's gone.

And fine. If he is then fine. But I gotta know what my place is, then.

[His hands tighten around the mug.]

I know I don't understand. I know I never will. But I don't know what to do, Nat. I don't know how to call him Winter and not feel like HYDRA succeeded in killing my best friend. I don't...know how to accept something like this.

It feels like giving up.

[Natasha sets down her own mug patiently. She can see why Barnes has been so upset.]

Is that how it feels? Like there's Winter, and maybe somewhere inside him is the real Bucky still waiting to be saved?

No! No, it's not... No. [Maybe.] I know he's not gonna be how he was. It's not ...that.

[He frowns into his coffee, still full. It takes a long moment before he knows what he wants to say.]

When I woke up... I know we make jokes, but everyone I knew, Nat. Everyone except Peg was dead. Not just family and friends but people I knew from school. Actors. Businesses. I didn't know my own town anymore. I didn't know the world.

And then Bucky was back. He was here and... It meant maybe I wasn't the only one who knew what bananas were supposed to taste like. Or who knew that $2.00 for a soda was a crime.

[He leans back and scrubs a hand over his face.]

Losing that...

It means I'm really alone.

I know. [Natasha says softly, sincerely. She reaches across the table to touch Steve's wrist gently.] I know what you lost when you lost Carter. And I know how much Bucky means to you, I really do.

[Giving his wrist a little squeeze.]

Winter is still those things. He's the same person, and that's all part of his history. But he has seventy years of history after it too, and you can't ignore that. You can't cut that out any more than you can cut out his childhood.

He's a good man. And stronger than any of us realize. If he weren't, he wouldn't be able to look in the mirror in the morning.

It's worth getting to know who he is now.

He doesn't remember so much...

[He shakes his head, not sure how to express this. His eyes are bright as he stares out into the middle distance beside him.]

He said that 'Winter' is the biggest part of him. The soldier and all of those seventy years. That's the biggest part of him.

I want to know him now. I do. But Nat... You know how it feels: seeing Bucky with the same face and just enough similarities to remind you of what you've lost?

I'm trying. I am. But it's...really fucking hard.

[Natasha doesn't point out that when another Bucky showed up in the Fleet, her first move was to meet him where he was, try to be a friend to him. That she very intentionally tried to avoid putting her own expectations on him.

Because she does know what it's like.

And because it's not really the same situation.]

He was lashing out. Saying what would hurt you. He knows that. [Which isn't exactly the same as saying it's not true.] In that moment, you were hurting him and he wanted you to stop.

It's really not that complicated, Steve. None of us are the same people we were when we were twenty, not even you. None of us wants to be treated like we are.

In his case, it's a little more extreme but the same idea.

[She takes her hand back, lifting her coffee.]

You've taken bullets for Barnes, Steve. You going to tell me you draw the line at Taylor Swift?

[He exhales and huffs out a humorless laugh.]

I guess not. Put like that it's all pretty silly, I guess...

[If there's anything Steve knows how to do it's to put things into correct priorities. And his feelings? His wants? They never really rank all that high. He can do this.

For Bucky? Yeah. He can do this.]

I don't want to hurt him. That's the last thing I ever want to do. [He sighs.]

I'll figure it out.

Thanks, Nat. I appreciate this talk. Winter is lucky to have you.

[Steve, that is 180% the wrong lesson to take from this.]

He's not the only one who has me, you know. I'm in this for you too. You deserve to have your best friend back, even if you have to learn who he is again.

[Bold of you to assume he learns lessons.]

Thanks. I know you are...

[Steve will even throw a small smile her way.]

I'll...manage. After all, I have Bucky with me, now. That helps. [Steve's smile almost looks genuine for a second.] He helps a lot.

[The smile fades as he remembers the point here.]

Do you know where Winter is? I should apologize. See if he wants to give me the chance to learn who he is.

[Clearing her throat a little at that question.]

The last time I saw him, he was still in bed.

[That shouldn't be a surprise. Her bed is bigger.]

Suppose around now, he might be in the shower. You might send a text message first.

[That gets a pretty honest laugh out of Steve.]

Well, there's the similarity; Bucky was still in bed when I left too. Must be a Barnes thing to sleep in.

[He shakes his head and pulls out his communicator. He doesn't make any attempt to text though. Just looks at it.]

I'll give him a little. Then maybe see if he wants to meet up....

[Natasha's eyebrows go up at that, not exactly surprise, but asking a clear question.]

Whose bed...?

[Sorry, have to stop on that.]

[Oh. Right.

Steve flushes.]

Er. Mine. I called him after the whole fight and asked him to stay over.

Just thought you'd sneak that one in there. How long has this been going on?

It's new. We ended up kissing at Jim and Victor's wedding.

[He might sound nonchalant but he's all smiles thinking about it.]

It's good though. Better than I woulda thought it could be ...

I'm happy for you. Surprised, but... happy.

Yeah. I think we were pretty surprised too.

[He sobers up a little.]

It's him, though. Bucky. I don't...

I really am so happy for you and Winter. You're the best ones for each other.

I don't know about that. But he makes me happy. [And that's a lot for both of them, really.] It works.

Thanks.

[Another bitter laugh.]

I made a joke about awkward double dates before....

[He looks back at his phone.]

Think I should give him more time?

[Natasha's not sure there's a good answer to that question.]

Depends what you want to say.

[Maybe not the double date. Not yet.]

Do you need more time?

I don't know.

I don't like us fighting. But I don't know if I am who he wants me to be.

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