Bucky snorts, because - "That's bullshit. Of course you chose me to be on
that train." Bucky had been there because of Steve... but that's been true
his whole life. He's always followed Steve, had his back - until the one
time he hadn't - and the truth is, "If you hadn't, I would've insisted." No
one else would've been right for that mission. It was why he stayed in the
fucking war, when he could've gone home. No one else was ever gonna watch
Steve's back half as well as Bucky could - until that one time he hadn't.
"Steve, if I didn't like fighting next to you... I don't know how you guys
became friends, but we wouldn't have, if that had ever been the case."
Bucky had met Steve in a back alley brawl as a snot-nosed kid, and
immediately wanted to stand beside him. That desire hasn't changed, not
once in his entire life.
Not even after Steve had died - hell. Maybe died. Probably not died.
Shit.
He shakes his head; this is crazy, it's crazy on both sides, hearing that
it was him and not Steve, it's almost a fucking relief. "Of course
you didn't look for me. I should've been dead, and it would've been a waste
of resources." Bucky takes a deep breath, holds it in for a long moment,
feeling the reality of Steve's skin against his, the hands holding
his arms - and he reaches up to grip Steve's arms, a mirror image, and lets
that breath out, slowly, shakily. "Well. Then I know what you're feeling.
And he doesn't blame you. I wouldn't. I don't."
He reaches up, one hand gripping the back of Steve's neck solidly, trying
to prove it. He knows Steve - he knows Steve isn't really gonna let that
stop him from feeling guilty. But maybe if Bucky repeats it enough. Maybe -
"You said he was here, too?"
Why the hell hasn't he beaten it through Steve's thick skull yet?
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-02-04 06:59 pm (UTC)Bucky snorts, because - "That's bullshit. Of course you chose me to be on that train." Bucky had been there because of Steve... but that's been true his whole life. He's always followed Steve, had his back - until the one time he hadn't - and the truth is, "If you hadn't, I would've insisted." No one else would've been right for that mission. It was why he stayed in the fucking war, when he could've gone home. No one else was ever gonna watch Steve's back half as well as Bucky could - until that one time he hadn't. "Steve, if I didn't like fighting next to you... I don't know how you guys became friends, but we wouldn't have, if that had ever been the case." Bucky had met Steve in a back alley brawl as a snot-nosed kid, and immediately wanted to stand beside him. That desire hasn't changed, not once in his entire life.
Not even after Steve had died - hell. Maybe died. Probably not died. Shit.
He shakes his head; this is crazy, it's crazy on both sides, hearing that it was him and not Steve, it's almost a fucking relief. "Of course you didn't look for me. I should've been dead, and it would've been a waste of resources." Bucky takes a deep breath, holds it in for a long moment, feeling the reality of Steve's skin against his, the hands holding his arms - and he reaches up to grip Steve's arms, a mirror image, and lets that breath out, slowly, shakily. "Well. Then I know what you're feeling. And he doesn't blame you. I wouldn't. I don't."
He reaches up, one hand gripping the back of Steve's neck solidly, trying to prove it. He knows Steve - he knows Steve isn't really gonna let that stop him from feeling guilty. But maybe if Bucky repeats it enough. Maybe - "You said he was here, too?"
Why the hell hasn't he beaten it through Steve's thick skull yet?