Steve feels Bucky's real question instead of hearing it. He looks at his friend sitting on the floor and the need for there to be meaning in all of this hangs in the air like ozone before rain. Steve had the same question, once. It had been behind his teeth and on his tongue for the weeks following his defrosting, but never actually spoken. From there it had just grown. The question became a doubt and the doubt chipped away at something inside Steve that had been load-bearing.
Was it worth it? Was the war worth it? Was the peace we gained worth the lives lost? Was the sacrifice Bucky made and that he made important? Was the lives they gave up for some greater purpose?
Was the pain and the grief and all of this time spent for everyone else and never for himself for a goddamn reason? Or was all of it just wasted and lost?
Steve knows he needs to answer Bucky but the truth is more complicated than it should be and 'I don't know' is still an answer. It's the wrong answer, even if it's correct. Especially if it is correct. And Steve can't do that to his friend. The man is still recovering from what he must assume is confirmation of his death. How much more could Steve toss on him before he broke?
So he nods.
"Yeah. Yeah, that is why we shipped out," he says evenly. "And we definitely gave them a future where they could be happy and free. It's what I still fight for, now."
'Is it?', he wonders privately, that wall inside him taking another sharp hit. He pushes the thought away.
"You did so much good, Buck. You should be proud."
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2022-04-15 04:11 am (UTC)Was it worth it? Was the war worth it? Was the peace we gained worth the lives lost? Was the sacrifice Bucky made and that he made important? Was the lives they gave up for some greater purpose?
Was the pain and the grief and all of this time spent for everyone else and never for himself for a goddamn reason? Or was all of it just wasted and lost?
Steve knows he needs to answer Bucky but the truth is more complicated than it should be and 'I don't know' is still an answer. It's the wrong answer, even if it's correct. Especially if it is correct. And Steve can't do that to his friend. The man is still recovering from what he must assume is confirmation of his death. How much more could Steve toss on him before he broke?
So he nods.
"Yeah. Yeah, that is why we shipped out," he says evenly. "And we definitely gave them a future where they could be happy and free. It's what I still fight for, now."
'Is it?', he wonders privately, that wall inside him taking another sharp hit. He pushes the thought away.
"You did so much good, Buck. You should be proud."